Broken In All the Right Places

Why people pretend to like all the way how you are and then don't like you at all? I mean why not at the first place they say it loud and clear that I don't like you at all boss? By heart I know the people who don't want to see my face... they don't like it... my face, my looks... its horrible for them, to see, to digest what I am...

Yesterday I heard something about myself while crossing the corridor... "This guy got a lot of attitude problems"... Who told those people to come and talk to me...? And why the hell someone wrote that fancy quote "Attitude is everything...". I mean just a break please, at first place you have to talk to me, at second point, you don't wanna see my face... Where is that pill to become a hollow-man? "I don't care will not work boss...", then what will work with you man? If you gotta problem, you need to solve it, not me... I am not commenting and judging someone... then why this favor of judgement has to be passed upon me? I am like this because you are looking at me like that... simple.

There are people who are not saying anything about me, even they know me or they don't know me... its fair... pretty clear... The people whom I should care and talk about are gone... I give a damn to others... Why then others are not giving damn to me? Why only talks and that also not in front?

Why so angry, you young man... he asked...
I replied, its not me, its the other side of me...
Why this other side of yours, it is you for certain... he again tried to confuse me...
I had take a roll...because situations made me to that sir... I again replied...

Oh... again, that bloody shit you are talking.. every second person talk about the tragedies they had or are going through...
So I am not everyone sir... I got my own problems... why you are and who you are to talk to me about all this...?

Hey... look into my eyes... he said...
I didn't looked up...
Okay, you can't look at me, you don't want to see me the same way people don't want to see you?
Man... leave me alone... I care a shit about people...
That's what I am telling you to do... why you are bothered if you don't care about people?
I don't know... I have to... I don't know why it is.. but that's the way how it is...

Door bangs...

Hello sir... I am security person... your neighbor who is a guest just in your adjacent room called the reception...
They complaint about the loud voices, the TV noise... they are not able to sleep...
I request you to please talk a little slow... its 2:30 AM... people are sleeping sir...
Hey, I am paying here... I am not here because I beg and got some place to live... I replied...
I understand sir... but the same way other people are also like you... they took the service of the hotel not for free...

Can I talk to the other person who is with you in the room? I think you are not well sir...
Other person? Who other person? I am alone in this room...
You are alone? Then from where those loud voices are coming...? Sir, please call the other person...
Are you mad? I live here... I know who is inside with me and there is no-one... Mr. security guard...
Okay sir... I understand... all I want you to do is please have some patience... get some rest...
Okay.. I will try...And hey, security... listen.. I am sorry for my rudeness...
No problem sir... I understand... I just want to say that I am doing my job sir... hope you will be fine... goodnight...
I am fine... what do you mean hope I will be fine...?
Goodnight sir...
Okay... Goodnight

What the mess...

So you came back haan... got enough from the security guard?
Hey man.. just go... leave me alone... and were we really talking so loud?
You talk loud when you know you can't do anything... you try to realse something which you can't hold... you not even can't look at me...
You are scary... my face... I can't look at you...
So that's all the other people are saying... you are saying on my face... people are saying this at your back... how does it matter...? The same way the guard told you... he is doing his job... all the same... people are doing their own job... you are doing your own job... everyone is assigned... why you should care...?

Yes, I looked at the mirror... you are right... I/we/nobody should not care... that's the way it was designed actually... we manipulated it... we made it the other way...

Standing on the other side of the wall...
I see your face and that was all...

Blue moon, you saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own
Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer for someone
I really could care for

Goodbye... I said...

God Bless...

Noticing phenomena to make yourself happy

Ever wondered about the people who are taking care of you? I just got surprised when I looked around me...No noticing the things was working for me until the time I woke up...Noticing the things, knowing the connections started bothering me...

But its was the initial phase...I am living it now and then... and enjoying it... smiling without any fear...Without any fear if someone is making a laugh on me...Without a fear of being a topic of someones gossip...

Noticing the things, linking yourself to that... and smiling on it... this is simple and good...I wonder why the ferry man bothers about me...He is a south African ethnic person... probably in his 50's...
Everyday before I enter into the ferry, he tells me to watch my steps...because there is always a gap between the ferry base and the stand from where we on board...
I always smile at him and say thanks...I will ask him someday... apart from his salary, what he get to say this.... I know he do this for other people also, but everyone is everyone and no one is everyone... ;)...

I wonder everyday why one security boy say thanks to me when I show him my access... why he smile and say thanks...He could have let me go like he is doing for some other person..But he always smiles and say thanks to me... Yes, it may be a part of his training, but eventually he is doing without any miss... I bound to reply with a welcome and a smile...

I want to understand why a lady cleaner of age around 60 years always look at me at sharp 5:30 PM and smile..Why she is always bothered when I will leave from the office...She can do and she always do her cleaning work when I am there... why she is bothered about when I will push off...

I wonder why the ferry assistant (he is different from the one I talked about earlier) don't tell me the destination when I on board into the ferry way back to home... I noticed that he tell everyone where the way back ferry is going...

One another security person... I find him always bothered about how I am doing...Even the "How I am doing" is far away from his sixth sense and seventh sky.. he ask whenever he see me...

The ferry ticket distributor... how I can forget her in all this conversation...? An old lady... (not too much... and she is pretty also... I could have met her 20-25 years back... :)) she know what is my destination and what ticket I have to buy...Regardless of knowing this... she always ask me what ticket she has to give me... and when I tell her the destination, she always reply... "I know..."

Another coffee shop family...Mom, boy and girl, anyone of them takes the order OR makes the coffee, but everyone knows that I place what order... (The cheapest one...)... I mean many people go for the cheap coffee... even who are making good money... but the point is the cheap one is the best one...The complete family know what I want to order... and what I will...

The simplest thing is, how you take all these things... Some people takes all this and notice all around the day... You will not get it if u don't want to... But you can find yourself surrounded by these small things anytime and everywhere when you think of it...It exist everywhere... with everyone...That's how it is...

Try to change the things a bit acordingly... figure out something and something in everything...

Good catch... good news... Happy noticing you (I mean I) a fool man...

God Bless...

this is it...

I know u r buzy ppl... I know u don't hv time to send emails (except KS)...

However, u cn update me abt wotz gng on friends...

I am missing u a lot here... coz smtimes I run short of money n thr is no japani to gv me sm cash... ;)

smtimes I remeber KS for his jokes (worth it!!! U don't get anything out of his jokes, but y 2 break his heart...)

Sometimes I remember Nandy for his golis he had given to us jus bcoz of gaonwali n 1 grl frm his Jaipur country...

Sometimes I miss Raju terribely for his terrible humor, atleast he make us laugh (but trust me, he is pathetic... he can make your life hell if you let him do... hehehe)...

Sometimes I miss nightriders (and the all bad servents there...) for our hapiness...

Sometimes I miss the place we worked all together... for all my good time... (I mean it!!! we never know where we are spending our precious moments and a part of our life untill we loose it...

I had a very good time with all of you friends...and hope to take it forward... except the people who don't mind this (and I know them... :)... I know whom to call friends... :))

Raka... miss u for all the fights we had...missing your home buddy... missing ur kid... and d moments I spend with him... :)(I can't say I am missing your wife.. I know what will come out of you... ;))...

Everything is worth missing it...You guys are lovely... (except Nandy... he is bigger than that in size... ;))N I just want to say... Enjoy... till it last (this is the line of control)...

FU** the rules, give a shit ...Don't try to b anyone's favourite... b ur favourate like 'jab v met...' ahhh I don't like bebo's lil sis, bt wot 2 do... Don't try to b close to sm1 bcoz u need to b visible somewhere... (Jeetu/Nandy... how are u doing?)

N 1 second-last thing... to you all...We are going on a trip in April... for sure... (except the nepali's immigrants who have turned Singaporia's...)We rock... make no grudes in between us... jus b'coz of Gulabo, Gaonwali(I hope Jeetu is paying attention!!!), the girl like mamboo tree (I hope Nandy is paying attention!!!)... but wotever happens... eithee we are going for a trip in April or I will go alone withe pasting all your foto's in my car...

n 1 last thing... From Breavheart... one of my fav movie...

Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it...

Do watch these videos when you have time... second one is my fav tune...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5O0B3A5CCc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDEQjGIleKg

Dual

Is this something which I am only thinking or is this real? Need a reassurance and confirmation here... from me... myself...

I always thought of keeping life straight, simple and fake. Straight in terms of relationships, goals and what I want to achieve, Simple in terms of thought process and keeping all relative things plane, Fake in terms of what all is coming and going in my mind and what I am planning to write down here. Yes, I am no more afraid of this fake which is deep inside me since my birth, I was never actually affraid of accepting this fake side of mine, but there was no time to publish this so broadly. I am using this word fake because I am not comfortable much with 'dual' or 'manipulative’ and because that I am not. Fake is very soothing and suitable for me. Fake is making people disappointed, but disappointment is nothing more than a psychological term. If you can make yourself convinced with something, it hardly matters what other people think of that.

So I was on being fake. Fake in the sense to fulfil myself, my dreams, my things, which always roam around in my mind and nobody have an idea, even my best pal, of that. Fake because I want to roam around, fake because I want to live this present, fake because I have nothing to do with a certain thought process which being injected in our mind since childhood. Fake because I wanted to live like a quote "I am an endless dream... I didn't asked to take a birth, I will not ask for a death... I am and will remain an endless dream for myself, for all...".

What I all mean to say is... being fake is nothing to do with a guilt, a regret, a suppression at all. You wanted to be like that at some point of time, you did that, you enjoyed that, so that is fine. You should regret to something which you wanted and didn't happened at all, rather than what happend which you wished to have happened. Anyways, so being fake for something, but at the same point of time, being yourself and honest to yourself, is not wrong at all. Atleast you should not parameterize yoursef being right or wrong. You should think, if you are being yourself or not, and not if you are right or wrong. You may have your own reasons of being right and wrong on which you can provide reasons to yourself, so that hardly matters. For someone like me, you always have a choice, and you always make a right choice, and you always have reasons for yourself to be at a right position. So, no need to worry about that.

Back to being fake, back to being lie to the rest of the people who matters, like your family etc..., its on one part of yours, second part is what you are. So its the density of what matters is, you or your second part, you or what you have been made or designed? I am out now... something to think upon...

Once again... being fake, being a lier, having a dual life is not important at all, atleast not a matter of guilt, regret... What matters is... how honest you are with yourself... So many lines to write, so many thoughts to share... but I always find myself run out of my mind, out of time...

God Bless... :)

Define it!!!

Below is just an extract of what I learned and wrote back to someone... Just to share this with myself again, made some changes and putting it down here...

I am not good at this, but I will try to let you understand what is the purpose of my this write up, which eventually is nothing, I know... But sometimes you feel very good doing things without purpose, without directions, to just go with the flow. While reading this, you may be finding me illogical sometimes, sometimes of your kind, sometimes practical, sometime emotional and sometimes very sensitive. Couple of things only one can let you understand in person, not by emails, not on calls, not by blogs etc... But its a good tech world now to throw out the things online and let everyone comment on it... good/bad, anything...

One fine evening, I got a beautiful explanation and definition of love, and I felt to give a big time hug to the person who put the words together, which were inside me, but scattered. There are many philosophies around the world about this four letter word, however, you need to feel comfortable and convinced about one particular thought on its definition which people has given it. No doubt in my statement that 'that person's' theory and definition of love touched me and I was convinced, still I am, nothing can change that throughout my life. Three types I had been told... One is Obsession, which sucks your blood, turns painful. Second, which grooms you in all the ways, which figure out all the positive energies inside you, you bloom in that. Third one, in which you leave the person you love, as it is, even if s/he wants to go, or have to leave you due to anything. I am still in between the sea of all these three thoughts that what kind of love I have oe feel. I am sure about one fact, I love, without any second thought, but when it comes to 'type' of it, I am blank, void and confused to bound my kind of love for someone in any 'type' or definition.

There are many things in your life you have to do; even you don't wish to do. Situations, reasons... Our life always sits on a bench of uncertainty; we never know what lies in the next second and what we will be doing for that uncertain action.

First kind: If you would be forcing someone to stick to yourself because of the reason 'You love someone', thats first kind of love, blood sucking, love which bother... that’s being like punishing yourself, and the other person too. What you would be doing with a machine... machine means a person with no feelings, or partial feeling for you...? The dirtiest sin is to kill your soul to do something or to accomplish something... Vikas, my best friend just reminded me that...

Second kind: If you really in love of this kind... with open heart and open arms, it’s a blessing altogether. Blessing for you and to other person that you met, things happened and you bloom... you bloom in a way that you can't be better than this... in past, in present, in future. It push you to figure out your capabilities... all your possibilities... all your strength become centralized... however, this phase only comes after certain time you have with someone... not just due to attraction, not just because of infatuation. It comes first with the 'magic' feeling, feeling of being together throughout the lifetime, through understanding each other in all the ways, respect for the decisions of each other. After sometime, then you will find that gradually you groomed, you groomed while you were spending the time... while talking, while exchanging the ideas, views.

Third kind: Most painful, though, still unfolds some happiness and satisfaction feeling. You need to some just let go... due to anything... Anything means due to situation, may be the other person don't feel the same way you feel for her/him, may be both of them come to know this that there is always next time and next life for them and not this... reason can be anything, but must be justified. May be, after some time, you will be having a smile on your face while thinking about that decision of being departed, being together in next life and next time... But issue with this third kind is, you hardly find yourself convinced about this. You should be having a very strong 'selfless' thinking behind, a very strong force of being a part o a larger world, a part of a universe which has no limitations, a sort of being saint... saint of your own kind...

I want to talk something about the word 'magic'... How can we skip this if we are talking about 'Love'... This love and magic have nothing uncommon according to me... both in some sense are the same... Don't forget to watch 'Sleepless in Seattle' for this word... 'Magic'... Being yourself... Being in 'Magic'... There is no harm to think about yourself and to think what you want and to get it done. At first, giving begins to you, yourself. If you are not happy, how you can make others happy and can be a reason for anyone's smile? If you are not satisfied, if you are not getting what you wish for, how you can be the reason behind someone's satisfaction and happiness? Isn't it like killing yourself for some other person? And how long you will be able to do that? At some point, you are cheating yourself, pretending, cheating everyone. This will not be long lasting... can't be. Magic is really a magical thing. Someone said it right, you don't know what you are missing until you taste it. If you can't be a living thing for yourself, full of happiness, joy, and full of life, you can't make the things for others...

Something to say... "You are not wrong when you think about yourself... it’s as important as to eat something... as necessary as to have oxygen and water...!”

Pray...!!!
Love & Faith...!!!
Everything will be alright... just believe in Him...!!!

God bless... :)

Wild wild world wide...

Don't want to put the name of the source from where this post is derived... People who know the source, will smile... who don't know... will smile a lot and will experience a new thing inside them... :)

I won't be the last
I won't be the first
Find a way to where the sky meets the earth
It's all right and all wrong
For me it begins at the end of the road
We come and go...

There is some kind of bigger thing that we can all appreciate and it sounds to me you don't mind calling it God. But when you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines through you...

If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed...
I'm going to paraphrase Thoreau here... rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... give me truth...

The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences...

You are wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships. God's place is all around us, it is in everything and in anything we can experience. People just need to change the way they look at things...

Society, man! You know, society! Cause, you know what I don't understand? I don't understand why people, why every person is so bad to each other so fucking often. It doesn't make sense to me. Judgment. Control. All that, the whole spectrum. Well, it just...

The sea's only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong. Now I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that that's the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head...

Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past...

Take Leave
the conscious mind
Found myself
to be so inclined

Why sleep
in discontent?
Oh the price
of companionship

My shadow runs with me
underneath the Big Wide Sun
My shadow comes with me
as we leave it all
we leave it all Far Behind

Empty pockets will
Allow a greater
Sense of wealth
Why contain yourself
Like any other
Book on the shelf

My shadow lays with me
underneath the Big Wide Sun
My shadow stays with me
as we leave it all
we leave it all Far Behind

Subtle voices in the wind,
Hear the truth they're telling
A world begins where the road ends
Watch me leave it all behind

God Bless... :)

Simple... A day...

A pending post... about being "Simple..." what I learnt from “A day...”

Not any specific purpose to talk about the topic... neither I do have something special to tell which has happened, I know people would have been least interested to know anyways if there would have been something special too to tell. We have our own worries, concerns, celebrations to deal with, so no time to appreciate or to feel good about some other person's day. But still, why not to describe it... atleast you yourself dealt with a day, just another day, and if describing it to you, yourself makes you feel good, nothing is important than that, at present... You got time for yourself... lucky!!!

Saturday normally is defined in my dictionary somewhere, and that is also defined to change the definition of the same in my dictionary, for sure... I always wish and think that every Saturday will change something, some meaning of a weekend, something which I don't expect as and from a normal like weekend. Not to think about friends, not to think about home, not to think about outing, not to think about a movie, not to think about car service, bike service, not to think about anything which comes into the mind when weekend arrives... at all... And every weekend pass away with these things only... I always think to wake up at 7:00 AM on Saturday; this number 7 has been stuck in my mind, somewhere deep inside... But whenever the alarm rings at 7 on any Saturday, feeling of weekend kills that alarm ring. Today also this happened, I woke up at 7:00 AM, but again got into sleep to stand up in another 10 minutes, and I ended up with sleep at 11:00 AM... again I repeated the things this time, like last Saturday, like all other Saturdays...

The first thing I had so strong in my mind was not to take this day as a normal weekend, and to let the things happens without being feeling of a weekend... Somehow I achieved this too, in partial ways. I made up mind for some tasks which were pending since long back, and not to do 'regular' weekend jobs. But eventually, in this way also I was treating this day as a weekend only. Good thing happened was, I did something unusual, because it was not in schedule, I will discuss that sometime later...

So as per plan, I had to meet my old friends, the dogs. I was missing them like anything and I needed to spend some time with them, to feed them with their favourite food, biscuits. One thing which I always like the most in them is their eyes... it always gives a feeling to be hopeful... sounds crazy thought, but true for me. It’s just don't look at any lousy dog, or that will force you to yawn even after an energy drink..., so don't give a thought to look at a lousy dog at all ... :). Whenever I go to them, their eyes says lots of things... how crazy life is, be hopeful, don't be sad, everything is uncertain, life is beautiful, what if you are not getting everything you wish, life will still remain beautiful, you can't change that fact... and a lot more... their eyes express... funny, but true... try to look into their eyes, read... After spending some time with them, I went to do some weekend stuff...

The time I reached some place for some work, it was 3:30 pm. And from one of my well-wisher, got a call about JV meeting, with Ashok ji. Without a thought, I made-up my mind to attend that meeting, to go through what it is all about, what the talk we can have there. Meeting was in IIT in some canteen area, one of the favourite areas for the people like me. Where you can see such young enthusiastic people, with lots of dreams for future, with new inventions going on in their mind, some romantic short documentaries, some you can find fighting with their own identity among the heavy ones. Clicked some snaps there, like a group of students discussing something very important without talking, with the gestures from their hands, on bird which just came and sit in front of me on my table and started picking the tea I left in the glass, the ultimate canteen with most of the workers sweating and the drops were pouring into the tea, samosas etc... (Lovely feeling, like I was in a rewind phase of my own college days...). So I noticed and clicked all these things while waiting for Ashok ji.

As he described himself to me on the call, he was just like that and without any second guess if he was himself Ashok ji, I gone forward to introduce myself. Just after the moment he came down from the car. So we two were sitted now, he with the glass of fresh juice, and I, with another cup of tea. Tea is something I feel very attached to, it is something to teach you patience, to teach you go slow, learn, understand, grasp, to be silent, as per its nature. What we talked about, what was the purpose of the conversation, what I achieved after talking to him, what I learnt, what I understood... what is JV... all these things I am keeping for another blog, as that is something still to think and also about choosing proper words for it. After some time, few more friends joined us and the discussion continued, it lasted for more than one hour, with more cup of tea in between, with more concentration and likeminded frequency.

In the end, when the departure time was there, the sense of achievement and satisfaction was there. Although, when I use the word 'achievement', it doesn't mean anything and nothing to do with any criteria when I go and meet someone, but I use this word because I was happy, and I was smiling. Achievement can also be defined as a void substitution class for nothing, just as you get nothing if you throw a piece of stone into the water, but you feel good. Like for me, on that Saturday, being a smile on my face was the most important thing to get, to achieve, so that sense came. We concluded that we are lost somewhere into this big race, because of being competitive, being jealous, being shopkeeper who also look for some monitory profit and gain out of anything, being selfish. And in between all this, we forget that the most important things ... being 'Simple'. Being simple, to keep things simple, to make things simple, should be our main purpose. To make ourselves worth, to make ourselves being noticeable, to make ourselves on a mark and as a note, we do many things which are not at all required, which we should not concern at all. The only and special thing we need to do is... be simple... accept simple... live simple... Life is really simple, and is really all about the simplicity and to accept simple... but we really insist on being complicated... to make it complicated...

That was a Saturday I lived, I learnt, I understood a bit and wanted to share... One fruitful Saturday, for which this write-up was all about... and I am bound to copy one thing here from Hans Hofmann... "The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak...". Let’s accept this, try this, practices this, and start moving towards that...

God Bless... :)