सूर्य

कोई स्ट्रीट लाईट बल्ब नही है, ये स्त्रोत है हमारी परम ऊर्जा का...

सबसे प्रख्यात, प्रधान और सबसे महत्वपुर्ण स्थान रखते है सुर्य इस सॊर मण्डल मे!
सबसे बडी वस्तु और ९८% सॊर मण्डल का भार समाया है इनमे!
इनकी चक्रिका मे समाने के लिये १०९ और इनके अन्तर मे आने के लिए १० लाख पृथ्वी चहिये!

Mankind will not remain on Earth forever, but in its quest for light and space will at first timidly penetrate beyond the confines of the atmosphere, and later will conquer for itself all the space near the Sun. - Konstantin E. Tsiolkovsky

पहली कोशिश...

अभी कुछ दिनो से हिन्दी ब्लोग्स और कवितायॆ पढ्ना शुरु किया है... बहुत अच्छा लगा! अभी एक सोफ़्ट्वेयर के माध्यम से कोशिश कर रहा हू कुछ हिन्दी मॆ पोस्ट करने का, त्रुटिय़ा होगी ही, परन्तु शायद इसी तरहा त्रुटिय़ॊ के माध्यम से क्या पता कोई सम्पूर्ण और अच्छी बात निकल आये...

कोई अत्यधिक महत्वपुर्ण बात नही है अभी कहने या बताने के लिऎ, बस ऐसे ही ताना-बाना बुनने की कोशिश की है जो कुछ भी अभी चेतन-अव्चेतन मन मे चल रहा है! कुछ बाते जो कभी सोच कर दुखः प्रकट कर लेता हू, कभी किन्ही विचारो मे डूब कर अपना रास्ता भूल जाता हू! बात माने तो कुछ भी ना-पते की होते हुए पते की है, और नही है तो शायद कुछ भी नही है! फ़ैसला अपना-अपना सुरक्षित है!

सन्स्कार और संस्कृति

कल राह मे चलते-चलते ऐसे ही रेडिओ पर ये शब्द सुने! यही दो शब्द जिसमे लगता है कि सारा पारिवारिक, सामाजिक और धरा का मुल सुख चिपा हुआ है! यही दो शब्द है जिन्हे सुनते और समझते हुए इन्सान ने कितने ही रिश्तो, कितने ही नातो, और कितनी ही भवनाओ को ना जाने कितनी ही बार ताक पे रखा है और कितनी ही बार कत्ल किया है! कुछ थेकेदारो ने तो संस्कृति के नाम पे एक नया अध्याय भी शुरु किया हुआ है, जो इतना प्रचलित हुआ कि एक फ़िल्म भी बनी उसपे... "honour killing" ... उस सभ्यता और संस्कृति के नाम पे कत्ल जिसे ना तो इनमे से किसी ठेकेदार ने बनाया है, और ना ही खुद कभी परिपक्व और समझदार होके पालन ही किया है!

अब "honour killing" मे नया इज़ाफ़ा हुआ है समय के साथ-साथ, "emotional killing". ये शायद इस "honour killing" का ही एक्स्टेन्डॆड वर्ज़ेन है, परन्तु देखने मे आया है कि इसका रुप "honour killing" से भी अधिक खतरनाक ऒर विभत्स है! "honour killing" मे किसी को एक बार मार दिया जाता है, परन्तु इसके एक्स्टेन्डॆड वर्ज़ेन मे तिल-तिल कर मारने का प्रचलन है!

बात करते है कुछ इमानदारी की. कि या तो आपको किसी भी तरीके से इमानदार होने नही दिया जायेगा, और अगर हुए तो इमानदार रहने नही दिये जाने की एक अनोखी अनजानी सी पवीत्र कसम से बिना कुछ बोले जकड दिया जाएगा! बहुत छोटी सी बात को समझने के लिये जो आडम्बर और स्वान्ग रचे जाते है, कोई ही विरला उस पीडा से मेहरुम रहा हो!

"emotional killing" मे एक बात और जो सामने आती है, वो है किसी अपने प्रिये की बिमारी! टेन्श्न से माइग्रएन, वोमिट, हर्ट पेन, नीन्द ना आना, बुरे स्वपन इत्यादि का आजकल बहुत चलन है! और इन सबके उपरान्त भी अपनी बात को मनवाने के लिये खाना ना खाने का भी अत्यधिक उपयोग किया जा रहा है! मुद्दे कि बात ये कि ये पुराने तरीके इतने पुख्ता और मज़बूत है कि आज भी कामगार सिध है! ऒल्ड ईज़ गोल्ड!

अगर थोडा ध्यान से अध्यन्न किया जाये और समझने कि कोशिश ना सही, बस सोचा जाये समझने के बारे मे, तो बात इतनी कठिन भी नही है, बस रिश्तो की बुनियादे गलत पड चुकी है शायद. थोडी सी मेहनत और समझदारी से अगर काम लिया जाये, तो बात बन सकती है. परन्तु कुछ दुर्भाग्यवश काफी लोगो के लिये देर हो चुकी होती है! और उसपे सुहागा ये कि भुक्त्भोगी भी इसी बात पर यकीन करना शुरु कर देता है कि शायाद सुबहो कि किरण अभी बहुत दूर है!

खाफ़ी खानापुर्ति के बाद नतीजा मुझे तो हरिवन्श राय बच्चन जी कि एक कविता कि और ले जाता है जिसका एक छःन्द नीचे प्रस्तुत है! (आशा है कि अमिताभ जी नाराज़ नही होन्गे, उन्हे पसन्द नही है कि कोई भी ऐसे ही अपने लेख को आकर्षित बनाने के लिये हरिवन्श जी की कविताओ का प्रयोग करे! और मै भी उनसे इस बात पे पुरी सहमति रखता हू. परन्तु अपनी पहली कोशिश की शुरुआत तो मै फ़िर भी उनकी एक कविता के छ्न्द से ही करना चाहूगा)


मैं छिपाना जानता तो
जग मुझे साधु समझता,
शत्रु मेरा बन गया है
छल रहित व्यवहार मेरा

सन्स्कार और संस्कृति पे और भी बहुत कुछ है चर्चा करने के लिये, अगर शेष नही रखा, तो ज़्यादा रहेगा नही लिखने के लिए!

शुभ

Cirumstantial and Relative

I had been finding the words to express some things I had been thinking a lot. And during my search, I figured out that somewhere we failed and been failing ourselves for being conditional and relative.

Everything has been broken, here and there and no one but we only are responsible for this. Things have been turned circumstantial, relative, confusing, complicated and conditional. Conditions in any relationship.

I have been finding a whole new world all around, since the time I have turned 'honest' or atleast, 'trying to be honest'. Nothing is free, and one have to pay for it. I have to let everything go now, for the reason of being a human. I have to pay for every relation, for being a human and have to be responsible for everything.

Inside, its nothing and a state of 'blank', unanswered questions, unresolved issues.

I am looking at the relationships, love and attachments I share with people. If you are acting and doing according to them, you are the best in all. If you are not doing and acting according to those, if you are adverse of their thoughts, you are the worst person. They forget everything you have done for them in the past and you are in the question of even close to them, if you don't agree.

I am just letting it go, no matter what had happened, what is happening and what will happen, because nothing is getting changed after all. And nothing will change. Change I have seen only in the relationships. I have seen how relationships get change when one don't get agree with them. I have seen the foundation of relationships on the basis of agreements. I have seen how people turns a person up and down on the basis of fake relationships. See the foundation of our relationships, see how strong it is.

There is some mistake we have done while understanding the facts. And there is always a time comes when you have to pay for it.

Its after spring season, I am very cold at this moment, cold from inside. I am looking at the fan on the roof, running. Its like the wheel of life, motion, everytime. I am numb, looking at it. Its not less then a miracle that I am still thinking. I am still thinking and experiencing the wheel of life. Mine being motionless is not affecting this wheel. It has to move and go on, irrespective of anything. I got uncomfortable inside this room, just walked out, but its evening. Sunset is making me more conducive...

I have to go now, its time...

God Bless!!!

The Birth and the Day

A child take birth, a family get extended, happiness spreads everywhere, newly turned mother get tears in her eyes, grandparents feel on the top of the world, newly turned father feel so proud on this pro-creation, its blossom and autumn everywhere, with the birth of the child. Mother's first thought after looking on the child would be... I will love and protect this child, I will give everything to that child even if she have to die or will have to do anything for it. The first thought...But with all this course, one more thing take birth... expectation. Expectation of fulfilment of dreams, parents dreams, grandparents dreams, everyone involves. Hope and expectation are the two procreation of the same human kind, however, most of the people can't make a difference out of it. There is a very thin line of control between these two, loosely impossible to maintain, it get mixed up. Getting hopeful about a child would have been a blessing, things turns wrong when expectations take over.

No-one is exempted here... no-one is different. Set of rules had been made long back. The education one get, the knowledge one gain, the childhood one spend in the shadow of motherhood, the hidden expectations are growing. And they blast some day or the other, whenever required. There is no hope for the good, there are always expectations all around. Understanding is waiting to get its space and recognition.

With the growing child, parenthood takes its own shape according to time. Expectations makes their own faces and one get treated accordingly. The stories one child read in the books sometime, writing one, another time. When the cause of education turns into a bulky salary expectation, a child never knows of it.

One day for sure has always been given... the birthday. To spend time with friends, happiness in the family, party, gifts. That has also been taken as one year plus to the expectation. We forget the real cause, the real gift we can provide to a child. Healthy thoughts, being responsible towards family and this world, being in the search of a constant happiness, in the state of it. A birth has been a central point of expectations and a birthday is a stamp on it.

My day was never been an occasion, but just a recap of what I had done last year, before I turned one more year older. I never took any resolutions (except once) and now at this point of time, I always feel that one more year when I spend, it should always make me one year more responsible for everything. I had been told and burdened about being responsible, however, that was quite self centric. Now I feel a wider space and more things plus more cause towards what I feel more responsible.


In this unlimited space of time and universe, a birth is a hope, a ray of hope that something good is still there and we have to nurture this hope, not with the expectation, but with the understanding and responsibility towards everything, the first and the basic, towards ourselves, a good start. O child, your birth is not less then a miracle, you are such an extraordinary gift to the world, I believe you always deserved to hear these words, with hope.

One more year has been passed...
One more year has been started...
People have grown more expectations...
I see the actions and reactions on this day...
I am looking at the different faces, different relations I share with people here...
I can feel the extorted mind of mine to experience the another year of unexperienced things...

Its a birthday, the day of birth!!!

The idea should be of being hopeful about your child and not to give him/her a burden of your heavy expectations. Think about setting him free from all the fears you always had and have, set him free from all the rituals, from all the cast, creed and religion, so that in the end, s/he should be proud to be your son/daughter... nurture him/her with his/her basic nature... how s/he is now in his childhood, pure and free of all human made boundries, thought process... that I consider the best birthday gift, year after year.



Fly free and happy beyond birthdays and across forever, and we'll meet now and then when we wish, in the midst of the one celebration that never can end...


~Richard Bach



There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only true guide you will ever have. And if you cannot hear it, you will all of your life spend your days on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls.

~Howard Thurman


One of my favorite lyrics:


Sit by my side, come as close as the air
Share in a memory of gray
Wander in my words,
dream about the pictures
That I play of changes
Green leaves of summer turn red in the fall
To brown and to yellow they fade
And then they have to die,
trapped within
The circle time parade of changes
Scenes of my young years were warm in my mind
Visions of shadows that shine
'Til one day I returned and found they were the
Victims of the vines of changes
The world's spinning madly,
it drifts in the dark
Swings through a hollow of haze
A race around the stars,
a journey through
The universe ablaze with changes
Moments of magic will glow in the night
All fears of the forest are gone
But when the morning breaks they're swept away by
Golden drops of dawn, of changes
Passions will part to a strange melody
As fires will sometimes burn cold
Like petals in the wind, we're puppets to the silver
Strings of souls, of changes
Your tears will be trembling, now we're somewhere else
One last cup of wine we will pour
And I'll kiss you one more time,
and leave you onThe rolling river shores of changes
So sit by my side, come as close as the air
Share in a memory of gray
Wander in my words, dream about the pictures
That I play of changes

**Written on 7th Oct, posted on 8th.

God Bless!!!

Relation...

Its about every single person who met you in your journey of life. This word not only includes father, mother, brother, sister, cousine and all thousands of relatives, but also includes what an abstraction belonging you sense for anyone who is in your life. Friends, colegues, knowns, unknowns, strangers, closely knit bond with anyone... you share a relation to anyone and everyone. One is relative not only to the family, but to this world in one way of another. I had a very strange feeling at one point of time, when I was going through a mental crisis night, that how I am saying one is relative to me, and in what sense. And the answer I ended up with was, everything is relative. It start with "me"/"I", that is self, and it got unbounded to the universe. The starting point is "I". If "I" is disconnected, somewhere, one will not be able to relate himself/herself with anyone, including family, parents. Finding self, connecting with "I" is so important so that nothing can be defined without it. Its a relation you share with yourself, your thoughts about yourself, how you link you and yourself is very important stating point for any journey.

In our environment, relation can be defined very easily, very normally. Father, mother, blood relations, how someone get maternal relative, how someone get paternal relative, its not any science. Science and study is, how many can't find any relation taken for granted? Almost all... in any or every sense, what a relation means in a society has been taken for granted. If she is my daughter, she will do this anyways, reasonbeing, she is "my" daughter. "My" kills. "My" is the utter most wrong relation, "I" is important.

Where you stand, what you do, where you are... when a sense of "my" thing comes, questions falls like a storm. When I think of "I" relationship first, its like a spring, I feel no complication in anything, it blossom love all over. Finding anything is very simple, relatives are very normal things, defining relation is very small here... "Someone in the same family; someone connected by blood"... Are we not a family as a whole? For and of this existence? In this space? For this very moment?

I was in a queue today for some work and when it was my turn, the clerk seen my name and smiled. He said my last name and said "Ohh... so you are Mr. *****"? I said yes, I am. He replied, very good, its great. I asked him what is great in this? He was very disappointed by my answer and got pissed off. Then he told me that he was of the same surname. I told him one thing... If this is how you think you relate to me, "being a common surname", I am feeling pity for me and you... I wish if you could have related me with you and the whole queue with the simplest relation we all have and we share, i.e. a relation of a human to human, this place and the world would have been a much better and beautiful place. (Mine and someone's personal thoughts... no hard feelings)

The another thing I noticed was a parent-child relationship. "If you are doing this, you are not my daughter/son". Taken for granted kills. If this is kind of loan on me to be someone's child, I better choose not to pay that, but alas, in this 21st century also, people are still slaves of these kind of relationships, they have to be, sometimes, there is no other way. Its completely a lack and disconnect of oneself with "I", parents also, children too. Its a different topic altogether to discuss.

Relation, in my sense, is a very simple and cosmic thing. Its inconceivably extended in space and time. It can't be just a family and blood thing. Its with everyone and everywhere. Its with all in the journey of finding Self, and to relate oneself to one, in the form of father, mother, relatives, friends, to the world. Why to give a small definition to the word "relation"? Its simple... "How I can relate myself to you...?". How I can associate myself with you...? Not just because of any pressure, but from my innermost soul, how and in what form I have to accept you? That's being making a reference, a talk. Not just defined things, but beyond that. Not just because one's father gave all the things one needed, but how actually he defined a relation with you. What he added into one, what he subtracted from one, what a thought process he developed inside one, and that what defines how he will be able and how one will be able to get relate with.

I am in between so many theories and thoughts, books and philosophies, write-ups and discussions... trying to define a relation!!!

Will write back soon on this... I want to...


"The only reason we don't open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don't feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes." - Pema Chodron


God Bless...

And the life continues....

Mom: So... what's going on? What is in your mind?

Son: Nothing mom... What it is about?

Mom: Don't try to fool us... You know it is about your marriage...

Son: Oh, com'on mom... You have given birth to me... you know I don't want that...

Mom: But why...? And don't give me any of your most like reasons... "I can't do..."... "I don't know..." Its enough... enough of sufferings for all of us... either do it or leave us...

Son: How I can leave you...? How you can think like that...?

Mom: So do it... what is stopping you...? Give the reasons...

Son: Mom, The only reason I can give you is that I can't do it... You know me.. I just can't do... It will be a sin for me... with my soul

Mom: Sin...? What the hell is this now..? Have you done something wrong...?

Son: No mom.. I can't do anything wrong with anyone... that is how I am...

Mom: So tell me what it is all about... and be honest...

Son: Mom, it is right that as of now, I don't have anyone to look forward... there is no-one waiting for me... there is nothing I have done wrong with anyone... I just can't do it... I can't accept and think of any person if it comes to spend rest of my life with...

Mom: (Screamed) I have enough of this nonsense and movie dialogues... I need to know the reason... or if there is someone, tell me and I will try to do something about it...

Son: Mom... I swear on you... I am just all alone... I just can't be with anyone else... I am useless for anyone...

Mom: Stop all this nonsense and try to be sensible... Give me a reason why you can't do it, or if you have someone, why you are not able to tell me...

Son: Is everything you can say and explain in life? Can you explain God, air...? Can you explain everything in your life...?

Mom: Don't try to play with me... Tell me the truth...

Son: I never being this much honest in my life... I want to say... that I can't be with anyone else, and I can't tell you more than this, because I have nothing...

Mom: So what you are trying to do...? Kill all of us...? I know you are a cheater since your birth... you are the most dishonest person... to me, to your dad, to everyone... you are a born lier...

Son: Stop all this... why are you saying all this to me? I never do that mom... I never cheat anyone... Why I have to do this with you? I have no reason...

Mom: No, you have your reasons... you are too selfish and self centered to think about anyone else...

Son: So is it wrong to think about myself?

Mom: I don't want any argument with you, I know you will win anyways... I want the fact...

Son: Mom... the fact is... I can't cheat myself... I can't be a machine so that I can choose anyone in my life out of your choices and I spend my whole life like that... Trust me... I am being myself... I want to be honest and don't want to lie you... I just don't want any partner in this journey...

Mom: Okay... So we both, me and your dad, will be leaving tomorrow, or better today... and you will be free to do whatever you want to do...

Son: This is pathetic... why you have to do so? I should be the one who will be saying this to you... as you think I am wrong, I should be leaving the house...

Dad: Yes... you pathetic piece of shit... you should be leaving the house... why we should pay for your doings and your will. But in the end, whatever you will be doing, we will be the sufferrer... as the people, the society will say that he was their son... you have no identity, nobody who know you... we are your identity in this society... So, we will be the ultimate sufferer... do whatever you want to do... but then don't come to our graves... don't even show your face to us...

Mom: You please calm down.. let me talk to him...

Son: Why it is becoming a life deal for both of you if I don't want to do this...? What right you are giving to me about my life...? The decision should be mine... why you are making me so helpless and in this dilemma? Why you are threatening me like this rather then getting me, my point?

Dad: Because you have no point at all... your life is useless, you are a cheater, dishonest and untrustable person... You have no direction in your life... You are telling us to believe your belief... the belief for which you even can't provide a reason...

Son: I have no reason, that is right dad... but I have a belief in something which has a reason... and its not unreasonable... I know that... You are not believing me at this point... but I know, sometime, when you will be alone, when you will be talking to yourself... all of my these illogical reasons will turn logical to you... when you will be thinking about me as a person... a person who believed in something and how you broke his faith due to your unnecessary pressures... how due to your own selfishness and fear of your fake pride in the society, you made your own son to suffer like this... What all I am asking? I am asking to be alone... its not a deal for your life and death...

Dad: Enough of your lectures... Tell me what do you want...

Son: If you can't be a dad, atleast be a human... still you are asking what I want...?

Dad: (to mom) ... See... this is we have to get when we give the quality education to our children... This is the return... It was your plan to let him free and enjoy his life... and now, see what we have to get through...

Mom: Son... what is the issue...? Why you just can't listen to us now a days...?

Son: Mom... you gave me birth.. I know your innersole is telling you that you should set me free out of all this... atleast you understand me...

Mom: I understand you... but I can't stand against your dad...

Dad: (to mom) Ohh... so now you also turned like him... "You understand him...". What are you understandings...? Let me also get it...

Mom: That I don't know... I only know that I have to be with you... either way...

Son: I know mom... I know you too have been wrap up in these fake relationships and unknown boundaries... Actually I don't blame any one of you... Its my curse to be here...

Dad: You listening..? (to mom)... How big he has turned...? Why don't you leave all of us and turn to a saint giving lectures how parents should be like? You are at that stage of your life where you think you are only the right person... and we all are fools.. who gave you birth, who made you educated... who made you what you are today now...

Son: Yes dad, this is my only curse... to be like that... to be honest and not to have guts to leave you people... because I have to take care of you, like you did for me...

Dad: Ohh... please.. no need to do that sir... let us leave at our own... let the destiny decide something for us.. don't try to be our caretaker.. we can do that...

Son: Now I can say that you don't understand anything at all what I am talking about...

Dad: You coward.. you don't have guts to leave... that is the fact...

Son: Yes... that is the fact dad.. I don't have guts to do that... I am a coward.... you are right... and you know what? I am like this because I care about you... and the only thing which is missing is... just understand me... listen to me...

Dad: I am leaving home right away... I can't be in this house anymore...

Son: Why you have to leave dad? It should be me... As per you... I am a shameless creature, dishonest and a lier... so what right I have to be in this house? I don't want you people to suffer because of me... I just can't do that...But the irony is... you will anyway suffer even if I will leave you... I know that... You are ready to suffer, but not to understand me... You are ready to giveup on me, rather to listen to me...

Dad: (Screamed) Yes!!! I am ready to suffer.. I will think that I had no son... Or he is dead!!!

Son: That is your problem... you are ready to accept that I am dead, rather then accept me as a living being... for your own reasons...

Dad: Enough... just go out of my sight...

Son: One day will come dad, when you will be questioning yourself... "What was the need to do all that... with my own son?" And I know you will have no answer for that... I will do whatever you want me to do...

Dad: I want nothing from you... I know you will not be happy..

Son: That is a relation... you know I will not be happy.. but you have to force me to do so...

Dad: You lier... I don't want to force you to do anything... I want you to either be happy with us, with all the decisions we are making for you, or just leave us...

Son: I can only guarantee one thing... I can't leave you like this... about hapiness, I can't commit to be happy with whatsoever decisions you will be making for me... you are not responsible for my sufferings or my happiness... Its very much my own decisions to be happy or not to be...

Dad: See... we can't win over him.. get out... or I will leave...

Son: Fine dad... you need not to leave... I am leaving.. I tried my best... if possible, please forgive me for all the pain I have given to you...

Mom: Son... there is no reason for me to see all this... (fainted)

Son: Mom.. wake up... please.. for God sake...

Dad: You idiot... leave her... this is all because of you...

Son: See dad... can you see that...? I think you got your reasons why I just can't leave... You are right... I am a coward... I have no guts to do that... you are my dad... you got it right...

Silence... till mom got conscious... and the life continued...


God Bless!!! If there some waiting... :)

Deep down

Deep down...

Don't take this topic otherwise... its not what "Deep down" you are thinking of... don't try your mind...

Mind and Heart...

The mind which tells you about the right and wrong...

The heart which tells you about to do the thing or not to do the thing...
And this is not a relative theory...

There is a difference between right and wrong and the things between do it and don't do it...
Right and wrongs are social things... do it and don't do it is a natural...
Mind is social, heart is natural... the creation of nature... what we are...

Deep down, everyone know what to do and what's not...
but when the mind disturb, it turns right and wrong...
Pressure works, warning works to make the right and wrong...
Social pressure, peer pressure... being "competitive" things... "being with the time..." things...

Deep down is a very simple thing... its not complicated... we make it complicated... its always "we"...who "make" the things... while it is not...
We want to be happy... we want to b good... we want to be famous... we want to look good...

It has been always "we"... since ages...
But when it comes to real "we".. we failed... overtime we fail ourselves...
We know how it is... we know how it should be... but we just can't do it... we just can't make it happen... because of "something"...
That "something" kills us being "us"...
But have we thought of quote... "We always have a choice...?"
No... it turns philosophical for us when we have to take the "real" action on this choice...

It fails... it failed since ages...
Then we think... this is how it is...
we turn busy... buzyness turns into habit.,.. habit makes us living... living makes us happy...
It turns relative then...
Relative and related... which we never wanted to...

Then when we sit someday... the day with ourself... the long day alone at a riverside... then we remember... what was it and what it is now...
That what and how it should be and what it turned... Deep down...
Buzyness is a bless... people don't realize, but it is...

However, for some, there is no buzyness... never find buzy when it comes to life, to the real... like according, only fools and naves can be too buzy...
People want freedom, freedom from being in a "conservative" setup...
Deep doen they know its not being "conservative" but its "deep"... soething they can't understand...
Being busy, they miss deep...

Just don't want to confuse myself more... hanging up...

Think... deep down... its very simple... to understand, to implement...

God Bless...

Granny's day out...

Every place has some special bazar... Sunday Bazar, Monday Market, Thursday bazar... Locals always look forward to that day because of their assumption and excitement about getting vegetables and fruits dirt cheap in comparison to the other market days... People want to fill their stores for rest of the week... At my place, the famous day is Saturday when people go mad about purchasing those stuff... it’s an excitement not only in the 3 years old children like my sweet little vampire cousin (yes... she eat a lot of head... she like to suck the blood by talking-talking and talking....), but also for 70 years old people like my chopper granny (chopper coz she always roam around into the house and in the garden...anyone can find her at any corner of our place without a delay of second...).

It was a tough day for me today... I was in a very bad mood because of some obvious reasons (one of the reason was to be at home on a weekend... whole day) and as soon as I picked the keys of my iron woman... (This is my car name as every part of it makes noise apart from its horn... apart from its horn, everything honks), my granny's coarse voice crossed my ears... Oye... listen... where are you going...? Take me to Shaani bazar today... I am tired and can't walk much... I was freezed, my mind stopped working and it was like thousands of red ants got into my head. I didn't deserve this... atleast not now man... I thought...

I picked up my two wheeler keys and she sat at the back side with her two favourite bags of “Pataka Beedi”... she got it as a gift from some shopkeeper long back... Like a co-pilot of a jet, she given me some instructions how to drive and all... and also informed me about the bad weather today... Ohh com'on... I also have 5 senses granny... I murmured... Not more than we covered 100 meters, and I got a compliment on my driving... "tuje aajtak gaadi chalani nhi aayi..." (Like she had won many F1 races in her days...). And yes, for her, every damn vehicle is a "gaadi"... even bicycle... Granny, its not my driving, but the bad road yaa... spare me please... I begged her not to say anything and keep quite...

As soon as I stopped in front of the bazar's main entrance, she jumped and ran into the market without delay... I though... is she the same woman who was tired like anything sometime before...? This is actually an outing for her... Shani bazar... she never missed this as she always gets a chance to meet her friends there... (few more old ladies who always have been cursed with bad daughter-in-laws... the K factor... God... "Kahani ghaar-ghaar ki...") and she also get a chance to have her special "tikki-chaat" there which is not at all allowed for her according to doc... (she missed this today as I was here with her... and special tikki-chaat because she always ask for extra toppings of green chilli chatni and more spicy masala on top of her chaat... tikki-wala use to do so for her without asking, many people knows her in this shaani-bazar... huh!!!). And yes... she never miss her sutta with her old-lady gang... she think that no-body knows about this at my home, but the fact is reverse...
I was in a real hurry as I didn't had enough time to discuss about how my granny's friends "bahus and sons" are doing and treating them... I asked my granny what else to purchase so that I can go to some other shopkeeper and we can wrap up this stuff quickly....(granny, who was busy in negotiations with a mango guy... she was busy like a real business tycoon who wants to close a billion dollar deal...). She told me that only potatoes are left to purchase... but you don't go anywhere, I will purchase everything... (OMG... My sweet little old angel.. gimme some opportunity to close this off soon... but no... as she owes this shani bazar...). Anyways I didn't listen to her and took some potatoes from some stall... and that turned one of my biggest mistakes for the day... She asked me all about the rate, the quantity, the quality and thousand other non-numeric and numeric questions about my potato deal... Then she given me a guilt that I had made a very bad deal as she knows the other guy who gives her a good deal always.. as she use to take the onions plus potatoes plus blah blah blah from him only... Save me God... let her know that time is more precious than potatoes... I murmured again...

Anyways I made her close all this very soon and the time I asked her to hop-on again on the vehicle... she gave me a very ugly expression... I knew the reason... She didn't have enough time to talk to her friends, she is going to miss her special tikki-chaat, she can't have a fag today... so many problems in life just because she called me with her... She might be thinking not to call me from next time... good for me ... I thought... She tried to make some excuses ... "you go with the bag as you are running late, I will come by walk, I need to purchase something else too..." No Ms Granny, I am not going to let you enjoy your outing today... I know what you are going to do if I will leave you here... I murmured... and I asked her to come with me as the road is not so good due to the rain and all... She given me a very scary look, as her tikki-chaat was my face and she is going to eat it anytime soon if I will not go from here... But I was also in a state of revenge, so I forced her to come with me only... She turned sad and came back with me only... I didn't liked this from the core of my heart... so when I was on my way back to home after I finished some of my task, late evening, I brought her tikki-chaat with the extra toppings and all... she turned happy again, like a dehydrated man got some water to live and survive...

Before I entered in my room late night, I crossed her room to see her face again... she was sleeping in peace after her heavy spicy dose... I thanked her to give me company today... for some time... thanked her for some good time she offered me today... to forget about the other worries of life for some time atleast...

God bless...

A talk with a beggar

hey listen...
Yes...
Do you have a cigarette in spare?
Yes sure... have it...
Thanks a lot bro... do you have lights?
Yes sure... why not...
***Lighting up the cigarette...***
May God bless you man...
Not a problem bro... he replied...
Thanks man... Very few people are like you now a days...
Really? What's the deal? I just given you a cigarette... that's it... It's not more important than a human being... is it?
Oh man... You are really a gem... I never met a person who not only said this, but I can see, you can understand and mean it as well...


Ohh com'on... there are lot of people you can find like me... its just a matter what you ask from whom... he replied...
No... please don't tell me his... how you can say that? the beggar replied...
Yes man... there are lots of people who understand the relationship between a human being to a human being...he replied...



He also wanted someone to talk to someone... since months he talked to anyone about life... it was work and a girl only who was running into his nerves all the time... he wanted to get rid of it... he wanted to be distracted... detached...


He continued... it is just a matter of what one like and what not... I mean its just a matter of one's personal choice on what grounds one want to help someone... Someone like smoking, some people don't... some like pets, some don't...


I don't agree... he got a reply... thats what he wanted... a reply... someone to talk to him on the things what he wanted to talk about...


The beggar continued...
I don't agree because help means help... you need not to help someone on the basis of what you like or what you don't... help means help... it can be anything... if I asked for a cigarette and if you also smoke, its fine for you to offer me a cigarette, but if you don't smoke and if I know that, I would have asked you for some money which eventually I would have been spending to buy some cigrett... so you are the one who got me wrong...


Yes man, you are right... help now means what one like and not what the other person want... its not your need but the other's choice... which is wrong...


Many things are wrong buddy... wrong is to be with some one else if you don't want to be... the begger whispered in his ears...

Holy shit... what the topic this beggar brought in here... he wanted to make a move but he didn't... something stopped him there right at the moment...

Hey... what happened...? You lost somewhere... the beggar asked...

No... I am already lost... I can't be lost anymore than this... he replied... The thing is... People always find there way around to get out of any situation... to get distracted... to feel detached... but when they move back and think of what they have committed, they only left with regret... or may be not... may be they turned too busy and just smile on the past... or after they realize their mistake, they turned like a fake happy-go-luck person who get no-one to share that fake hapiness... and whenever they get a chance to sit alone and think about it... they always feel about that single moment when they committed that mistake... they always live their life with the same pain hidden inside them which a tree feels whenever his branches cutting down... people enjoy the moments whenever they turn busy... they put comments on life "I am content... I am enjoying whatever I got..."... but there is always a joke lives within inside them which life has made on them... People are talking about enjoying the moments... forget the past and live in the present... I say... we always live in our past... because that's what we lived... that's what you call a part of our's... and if something is a part of our's, how we can cut it down at any point? You are making love to someone who don't meant it... you are making noises like you are enjoying it while doing it... you are kissing someone knowing that it doesn't belong to that person... how you can do it...?


It was hard for him to stand so long... it was the whisky running on over his mind... and someone's picture which was making him tough to stand at all... He was about to slip on the road but luckiley the beggar hold him and made him sit on the bench...


The beggar's turn...

You know man... I was one of the most richest person in my society... the day I realized that all this didn't meant to me... whatever I was owing.. the house, the money, the lavish lifestyle, more than 10 cars... I left all that... That was the moment of my lifetime... I left everything which was not giving me a feeling of mine... ownself... I donate everything and turned like this... living a life on other's mercy... and I don't regret it... I don't regret a bit of it... because I know, whatever I thought was mine, it created a fake identity of myself around people... I realized that people are not actually liking me because of "me", but they were prone to what I got, money... I left everything...

He continued...

I thought about everything before I committed this... before I turned like asking for a cigarette from someone... and I was not able to do anything about it before I realized it... I was attached to nothing... Thinking is objective, and detached. Feeling is subjective, and attached... attached to yourself... I tried first to distract myself, but that didn't helped... then I found that the lack of interest in the object of attention will not work... I have to be detached... not distract... distraction will give you the momentary relief... detached is something gonna work for lifetime...
He asked ... So you are saying get detached whom you wanted to be... even you loved?

Beggar...

No... if you will feel detached to those at any point of time, then you didn't loved them anytime... What I meant is to accept and respect their decision... and believe me... they will realize and will regret at each second of their life... even if they show they are too "busy" making love to someone else... even they think they are "saint to handle that" because of all the excuses which made them to took that decision... may be they can justify themselves, but if you are right at your place, nothing can change this... and they will and live with the regret only... showing off to the world can't work with ownself... trust this...

By the time these talks were going on, the cigrett packet was over... he had to get up and buy a new packet... after all... this is what he wanted... to talk... to understand how it feels to be detached... how it has to happen... how to invoke it in his blood... he wanted to get over something which was killing him from inside... he almost ran to a nearby shop and purchased a cigarette packet...

So you are saying that being detached and being more involved are kind of same situation...? He asked...

By this time, the unlimited whisky he had before coming out of his room was making a huge noise in his head... picture of being with someone in the past took all his attention... but he was alive enough to listen to the beggar...

The beggar replied...

My son, being detached is more to do with someone else, being more involved is to do with yourself... If at any point of time, you are feeling detached, it means that thing or person was never a part of your's... it was not him/her running inside you... if you are feeling that way, then what is the logic at all to think about those...? It means you are hurting yourself for nothing... If the people who really matter for you, those would have not let you get in this situation...

Ohh com'on... sometimes situation may bound you to take some decision which you never want to take... which you want to avoid at any cost but in the end you have to take... he tried to justify "someone" to that beggar...

By the time begger started giving him reply on this, he was slept there on the bench... his eyes were closed, his legs were folded onto that small bench where only two people can sit... the beggar took his head on his lap, the beggar took his overcoat and put that on him so that he should not have caught up with the cold... the beggar was singing one of his favorite song... "buy me a rose... call me from work..." which made him to got into a deep sleep after a long time... after ages... the deep sleep without any nightmares...


Beggar's reply...


When he woke up from the bench, there were two notes from the beggar, written on a dirty paper with the ashes of winded up cigarettes... one was a quote... one was a poem...

"To be alone in the only real revolution. To accept that you are alone is the greatest transformation that can happen to you. I realized sometimes later in my life that I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest, to make money they don't want, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they dislike and to get married to someone by calling it as a "situation" which I never wanted... but I had to enjoy it because of my own quotations and excuses I created for myself... and when I realized all this... I quit!!!"

"My own way…
No where to move
No road so smooth
But I know my destination
And I have to move on
No matter what
Life brings about
It’s my crust that keeps me alive
All alone but no fear
May be somewhere I find you around
Its getting dark
And im still on my way
Shameless creatures
That’s all I can see now..."

He woke up from the bench with a heavy headache... tried to figured out some disprine in his pocket which he didn't got... but the words he got from the rich beggar were more then heavy from his headache... He carried away that with himself... something he mummer within himself for someone... "Its a shame idea to live life for someone else you damn... because in the end... what matters is... what life you wanted to life and how you wanted to live... and now see yourself what you got because of your's "unwanted", so called situations... Nothing you are going to take with yourself... its just you and your regrets... look at you!!! But still... I am not angry... because you are a part of me... enjoy... the more and the most you can... make love... make noises... as the beggar said... feel detached... its your destiny... it's someone's alibi... that's what I am doing for you..."


The beggar reminds him... "some spaces are as important as fillings... some detachments are more important than the attachments... its a part of you... you can't live without it... you can't get rid of it... its you, yourself... in the end... standing alone... get nothing... like a beggar, but not rich..."

He again started looking for the cigarette shop... nothing was opened by that time... he has to wait...

God Bless...

Broken In All the Right Places

Why people pretend to like all the way how you are and then don't like you at all? I mean why not at the first place they say it loud and clear that I don't like you at all boss? By heart I know the people who don't want to see my face... they don't like it... my face, my looks... its horrible for them, to see, to digest what I am...

Yesterday I heard something about myself while crossing the corridor... "This guy got a lot of attitude problems"... Who told those people to come and talk to me...? And why the hell someone wrote that fancy quote "Attitude is everything...". I mean just a break please, at first place you have to talk to me, at second point, you don't wanna see my face... Where is that pill to become a hollow-man? "I don't care will not work boss...", then what will work with you man? If you gotta problem, you need to solve it, not me... I am not commenting and judging someone... then why this favor of judgement has to be passed upon me? I am like this because you are looking at me like that... simple.

There are people who are not saying anything about me, even they know me or they don't know me... its fair... pretty clear... The people whom I should care and talk about are gone... I give a damn to others... Why then others are not giving damn to me? Why only talks and that also not in front?

Why so angry, you young man... he asked...
I replied, its not me, its the other side of me...
Why this other side of yours, it is you for certain... he again tried to confuse me...
I had take a roll...because situations made me to that sir... I again replied...

Oh... again, that bloody shit you are talking.. every second person talk about the tragedies they had or are going through...
So I am not everyone sir... I got my own problems... why you are and who you are to talk to me about all this...?

Hey... look into my eyes... he said...
I didn't looked up...
Okay, you can't look at me, you don't want to see me the same way people don't want to see you?
Man... leave me alone... I care a shit about people...
That's what I am telling you to do... why you are bothered if you don't care about people?
I don't know... I have to... I don't know why it is.. but that's the way how it is...

Door bangs...

Hello sir... I am security person... your neighbor who is a guest just in your adjacent room called the reception...
They complaint about the loud voices, the TV noise... they are not able to sleep...
I request you to please talk a little slow... its 2:30 AM... people are sleeping sir...
Hey, I am paying here... I am not here because I beg and got some place to live... I replied...
I understand sir... but the same way other people are also like you... they took the service of the hotel not for free...

Can I talk to the other person who is with you in the room? I think you are not well sir...
Other person? Who other person? I am alone in this room...
You are alone? Then from where those loud voices are coming...? Sir, please call the other person...
Are you mad? I live here... I know who is inside with me and there is no-one... Mr. security guard...
Okay sir... I understand... all I want you to do is please have some patience... get some rest...
Okay.. I will try...And hey, security... listen.. I am sorry for my rudeness...
No problem sir... I understand... I just want to say that I am doing my job sir... hope you will be fine... goodnight...
I am fine... what do you mean hope I will be fine...?
Goodnight sir...
Okay... Goodnight

What the mess...

So you came back haan... got enough from the security guard?
Hey man.. just go... leave me alone... and were we really talking so loud?
You talk loud when you know you can't do anything... you try to realse something which you can't hold... you not even can't look at me...
You are scary... my face... I can't look at you...
So that's all the other people are saying... you are saying on my face... people are saying this at your back... how does it matter...? The same way the guard told you... he is doing his job... all the same... people are doing their own job... you are doing your own job... everyone is assigned... why you should care...?

Yes, I looked at the mirror... you are right... I/we/nobody should not care... that's the way it was designed actually... we manipulated it... we made it the other way...

Standing on the other side of the wall...
I see your face and that was all...

Blue moon, you saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own
Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer for someone
I really could care for

Goodbye... I said...

God Bless...

Noticing phenomena to make yourself happy

Ever wondered about the people who are taking care of you? I just got surprised when I looked around me...No noticing the things was working for me until the time I woke up...Noticing the things, knowing the connections started bothering me...

But its was the initial phase...I am living it now and then... and enjoying it... smiling without any fear...Without any fear if someone is making a laugh on me...Without a fear of being a topic of someones gossip...

Noticing the things, linking yourself to that... and smiling on it... this is simple and good...I wonder why the ferry man bothers about me...He is a south African ethnic person... probably in his 50's...
Everyday before I enter into the ferry, he tells me to watch my steps...because there is always a gap between the ferry base and the stand from where we on board...
I always smile at him and say thanks...I will ask him someday... apart from his salary, what he get to say this.... I know he do this for other people also, but everyone is everyone and no one is everyone... ;)...

I wonder everyday why one security boy say thanks to me when I show him my access... why he smile and say thanks...He could have let me go like he is doing for some other person..But he always smiles and say thanks to me... Yes, it may be a part of his training, but eventually he is doing without any miss... I bound to reply with a welcome and a smile...

I want to understand why a lady cleaner of age around 60 years always look at me at sharp 5:30 PM and smile..Why she is always bothered when I will leave from the office...She can do and she always do her cleaning work when I am there... why she is bothered about when I will push off...

I wonder why the ferry assistant (he is different from the one I talked about earlier) don't tell me the destination when I on board into the ferry way back to home... I noticed that he tell everyone where the way back ferry is going...

One another security person... I find him always bothered about how I am doing...Even the "How I am doing" is far away from his sixth sense and seventh sky.. he ask whenever he see me...

The ferry ticket distributor... how I can forget her in all this conversation...? An old lady... (not too much... and she is pretty also... I could have met her 20-25 years back... :)) she know what is my destination and what ticket I have to buy...Regardless of knowing this... she always ask me what ticket she has to give me... and when I tell her the destination, she always reply... "I know..."

Another coffee shop family...Mom, boy and girl, anyone of them takes the order OR makes the coffee, but everyone knows that I place what order... (The cheapest one...)... I mean many people go for the cheap coffee... even who are making good money... but the point is the cheap one is the best one...The complete family know what I want to order... and what I will...

The simplest thing is, how you take all these things... Some people takes all this and notice all around the day... You will not get it if u don't want to... But you can find yourself surrounded by these small things anytime and everywhere when you think of it...It exist everywhere... with everyone...That's how it is...

Try to change the things a bit acordingly... figure out something and something in everything...

Good catch... good news... Happy noticing you (I mean I) a fool man...

God Bless...

this is it...

I know u r buzy ppl... I know u don't hv time to send emails (except KS)...

However, u cn update me abt wotz gng on friends...

I am missing u a lot here... coz smtimes I run short of money n thr is no japani to gv me sm cash... ;)

smtimes I remeber KS for his jokes (worth it!!! U don't get anything out of his jokes, but y 2 break his heart...)

Sometimes I remember Nandy for his golis he had given to us jus bcoz of gaonwali n 1 grl frm his Jaipur country...

Sometimes I miss Raju terribely for his terrible humor, atleast he make us laugh (but trust me, he is pathetic... he can make your life hell if you let him do... hehehe)...

Sometimes I miss nightriders (and the all bad servents there...) for our hapiness...

Sometimes I miss the place we worked all together... for all my good time... (I mean it!!! we never know where we are spending our precious moments and a part of our life untill we loose it...

I had a very good time with all of you friends...and hope to take it forward... except the people who don't mind this (and I know them... :)... I know whom to call friends... :))

Raka... miss u for all the fights we had...missing your home buddy... missing ur kid... and d moments I spend with him... :)(I can't say I am missing your wife.. I know what will come out of you... ;))...

Everything is worth missing it...You guys are lovely... (except Nandy... he is bigger than that in size... ;))N I just want to say... Enjoy... till it last (this is the line of control)...

FU** the rules, give a shit ...Don't try to b anyone's favourite... b ur favourate like 'jab v met...' ahhh I don't like bebo's lil sis, bt wot 2 do... Don't try to b close to sm1 bcoz u need to b visible somewhere... (Jeetu/Nandy... how are u doing?)

N 1 second-last thing... to you all...We are going on a trip in April... for sure... (except the nepali's immigrants who have turned Singaporia's...)We rock... make no grudes in between us... jus b'coz of Gulabo, Gaonwali(I hope Jeetu is paying attention!!!), the girl like mamboo tree (I hope Nandy is paying attention!!!)... but wotever happens... eithee we are going for a trip in April or I will go alone withe pasting all your foto's in my car...

n 1 last thing... From Breavheart... one of my fav movie...

Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it...

Do watch these videos when you have time... second one is my fav tune...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5O0B3A5CCc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDEQjGIleKg