Deep down

Deep down...

Don't take this topic otherwise... its not what "Deep down" you are thinking of... don't try your mind...

Mind and Heart...

The mind which tells you about the right and wrong...

The heart which tells you about to do the thing or not to do the thing...
And this is not a relative theory...

There is a difference between right and wrong and the things between do it and don't do it...
Right and wrongs are social things... do it and don't do it is a natural...
Mind is social, heart is natural... the creation of nature... what we are...

Deep down, everyone know what to do and what's not...
but when the mind disturb, it turns right and wrong...
Pressure works, warning works to make the right and wrong...
Social pressure, peer pressure... being "competitive" things... "being with the time..." things...

Deep down is a very simple thing... its not complicated... we make it complicated... its always "we"...who "make" the things... while it is not...
We want to be happy... we want to b good... we want to be famous... we want to look good...

It has been always "we"... since ages...
But when it comes to real "we".. we failed... overtime we fail ourselves...
We know how it is... we know how it should be... but we just can't do it... we just can't make it happen... because of "something"...
That "something" kills us being "us"...
But have we thought of quote... "We always have a choice...?"
No... it turns philosophical for us when we have to take the "real" action on this choice...

It fails... it failed since ages...
Then we think... this is how it is...
we turn busy... buzyness turns into habit.,.. habit makes us living... living makes us happy...
It turns relative then...
Relative and related... which we never wanted to...

Then when we sit someday... the day with ourself... the long day alone at a riverside... then we remember... what was it and what it is now...
That what and how it should be and what it turned... Deep down...
Buzyness is a bless... people don't realize, but it is...

However, for some, there is no buzyness... never find buzy when it comes to life, to the real... like according, only fools and naves can be too buzy...
People want freedom, freedom from being in a "conservative" setup...
Deep doen they know its not being "conservative" but its "deep"... soething they can't understand...
Being busy, they miss deep...

Just don't want to confuse myself more... hanging up...

Think... deep down... its very simple... to understand, to implement...

God Bless...

Granny's day out...

Every place has some special bazar... Sunday Bazar, Monday Market, Thursday bazar... Locals always look forward to that day because of their assumption and excitement about getting vegetables and fruits dirt cheap in comparison to the other market days... People want to fill their stores for rest of the week... At my place, the famous day is Saturday when people go mad about purchasing those stuff... it’s an excitement not only in the 3 years old children like my sweet little vampire cousin (yes... she eat a lot of head... she like to suck the blood by talking-talking and talking....), but also for 70 years old people like my chopper granny (chopper coz she always roam around into the house and in the garden...anyone can find her at any corner of our place without a delay of second...).

It was a tough day for me today... I was in a very bad mood because of some obvious reasons (one of the reason was to be at home on a weekend... whole day) and as soon as I picked the keys of my iron woman... (This is my car name as every part of it makes noise apart from its horn... apart from its horn, everything honks), my granny's coarse voice crossed my ears... Oye... listen... where are you going...? Take me to Shaani bazar today... I am tired and can't walk much... I was freezed, my mind stopped working and it was like thousands of red ants got into my head. I didn't deserve this... atleast not now man... I thought...

I picked up my two wheeler keys and she sat at the back side with her two favourite bags of “Pataka Beedi”... she got it as a gift from some shopkeeper long back... Like a co-pilot of a jet, she given me some instructions how to drive and all... and also informed me about the bad weather today... Ohh com'on... I also have 5 senses granny... I murmured... Not more than we covered 100 meters, and I got a compliment on my driving... "tuje aajtak gaadi chalani nhi aayi..." (Like she had won many F1 races in her days...). And yes, for her, every damn vehicle is a "gaadi"... even bicycle... Granny, its not my driving, but the bad road yaa... spare me please... I begged her not to say anything and keep quite...

As soon as I stopped in front of the bazar's main entrance, she jumped and ran into the market without delay... I though... is she the same woman who was tired like anything sometime before...? This is actually an outing for her... Shani bazar... she never missed this as she always gets a chance to meet her friends there... (few more old ladies who always have been cursed with bad daughter-in-laws... the K factor... God... "Kahani ghaar-ghaar ki...") and she also get a chance to have her special "tikki-chaat" there which is not at all allowed for her according to doc... (she missed this today as I was here with her... and special tikki-chaat because she always ask for extra toppings of green chilli chatni and more spicy masala on top of her chaat... tikki-wala use to do so for her without asking, many people knows her in this shaani-bazar... huh!!!). And yes... she never miss her sutta with her old-lady gang... she think that no-body knows about this at my home, but the fact is reverse...
I was in a real hurry as I didn't had enough time to discuss about how my granny's friends "bahus and sons" are doing and treating them... I asked my granny what else to purchase so that I can go to some other shopkeeper and we can wrap up this stuff quickly....(granny, who was busy in negotiations with a mango guy... she was busy like a real business tycoon who wants to close a billion dollar deal...). She told me that only potatoes are left to purchase... but you don't go anywhere, I will purchase everything... (OMG... My sweet little old angel.. gimme some opportunity to close this off soon... but no... as she owes this shani bazar...). Anyways I didn't listen to her and took some potatoes from some stall... and that turned one of my biggest mistakes for the day... She asked me all about the rate, the quantity, the quality and thousand other non-numeric and numeric questions about my potato deal... Then she given me a guilt that I had made a very bad deal as she knows the other guy who gives her a good deal always.. as she use to take the onions plus potatoes plus blah blah blah from him only... Save me God... let her know that time is more precious than potatoes... I murmured again...

Anyways I made her close all this very soon and the time I asked her to hop-on again on the vehicle... she gave me a very ugly expression... I knew the reason... She didn't have enough time to talk to her friends, she is going to miss her special tikki-chaat, she can't have a fag today... so many problems in life just because she called me with her... She might be thinking not to call me from next time... good for me ... I thought... She tried to make some excuses ... "you go with the bag as you are running late, I will come by walk, I need to purchase something else too..." No Ms Granny, I am not going to let you enjoy your outing today... I know what you are going to do if I will leave you here... I murmured... and I asked her to come with me as the road is not so good due to the rain and all... She given me a very scary look, as her tikki-chaat was my face and she is going to eat it anytime soon if I will not go from here... But I was also in a state of revenge, so I forced her to come with me only... She turned sad and came back with me only... I didn't liked this from the core of my heart... so when I was on my way back to home after I finished some of my task, late evening, I brought her tikki-chaat with the extra toppings and all... she turned happy again, like a dehydrated man got some water to live and survive...

Before I entered in my room late night, I crossed her room to see her face again... she was sleeping in peace after her heavy spicy dose... I thanked her to give me company today... for some time... thanked her for some good time she offered me today... to forget about the other worries of life for some time atleast...

God bless...

A talk with a beggar

hey listen...
Yes...
Do you have a cigarette in spare?
Yes sure... have it...
Thanks a lot bro... do you have lights?
Yes sure... why not...
***Lighting up the cigarette...***
May God bless you man...
Not a problem bro... he replied...
Thanks man... Very few people are like you now a days...
Really? What's the deal? I just given you a cigarette... that's it... It's not more important than a human being... is it?
Oh man... You are really a gem... I never met a person who not only said this, but I can see, you can understand and mean it as well...


Ohh com'on... there are lot of people you can find like me... its just a matter what you ask from whom... he replied...
No... please don't tell me his... how you can say that? the beggar replied...
Yes man... there are lots of people who understand the relationship between a human being to a human being...he replied...



He also wanted someone to talk to someone... since months he talked to anyone about life... it was work and a girl only who was running into his nerves all the time... he wanted to get rid of it... he wanted to be distracted... detached...


He continued... it is just a matter of what one like and what not... I mean its just a matter of one's personal choice on what grounds one want to help someone... Someone like smoking, some people don't... some like pets, some don't...


I don't agree... he got a reply... thats what he wanted... a reply... someone to talk to him on the things what he wanted to talk about...


The beggar continued...
I don't agree because help means help... you need not to help someone on the basis of what you like or what you don't... help means help... it can be anything... if I asked for a cigarette and if you also smoke, its fine for you to offer me a cigarette, but if you don't smoke and if I know that, I would have asked you for some money which eventually I would have been spending to buy some cigrett... so you are the one who got me wrong...


Yes man, you are right... help now means what one like and not what the other person want... its not your need but the other's choice... which is wrong...


Many things are wrong buddy... wrong is to be with some one else if you don't want to be... the begger whispered in his ears...

Holy shit... what the topic this beggar brought in here... he wanted to make a move but he didn't... something stopped him there right at the moment...

Hey... what happened...? You lost somewhere... the beggar asked...

No... I am already lost... I can't be lost anymore than this... he replied... The thing is... People always find there way around to get out of any situation... to get distracted... to feel detached... but when they move back and think of what they have committed, they only left with regret... or may be not... may be they turned too busy and just smile on the past... or after they realize their mistake, they turned like a fake happy-go-luck person who get no-one to share that fake hapiness... and whenever they get a chance to sit alone and think about it... they always feel about that single moment when they committed that mistake... they always live their life with the same pain hidden inside them which a tree feels whenever his branches cutting down... people enjoy the moments whenever they turn busy... they put comments on life "I am content... I am enjoying whatever I got..."... but there is always a joke lives within inside them which life has made on them... People are talking about enjoying the moments... forget the past and live in the present... I say... we always live in our past... because that's what we lived... that's what you call a part of our's... and if something is a part of our's, how we can cut it down at any point? You are making love to someone who don't meant it... you are making noises like you are enjoying it while doing it... you are kissing someone knowing that it doesn't belong to that person... how you can do it...?


It was hard for him to stand so long... it was the whisky running on over his mind... and someone's picture which was making him tough to stand at all... He was about to slip on the road but luckiley the beggar hold him and made him sit on the bench...


The beggar's turn...

You know man... I was one of the most richest person in my society... the day I realized that all this didn't meant to me... whatever I was owing.. the house, the money, the lavish lifestyle, more than 10 cars... I left all that... That was the moment of my lifetime... I left everything which was not giving me a feeling of mine... ownself... I donate everything and turned like this... living a life on other's mercy... and I don't regret it... I don't regret a bit of it... because I know, whatever I thought was mine, it created a fake identity of myself around people... I realized that people are not actually liking me because of "me", but they were prone to what I got, money... I left everything...

He continued...

I thought about everything before I committed this... before I turned like asking for a cigarette from someone... and I was not able to do anything about it before I realized it... I was attached to nothing... Thinking is objective, and detached. Feeling is subjective, and attached... attached to yourself... I tried first to distract myself, but that didn't helped... then I found that the lack of interest in the object of attention will not work... I have to be detached... not distract... distraction will give you the momentary relief... detached is something gonna work for lifetime...
He asked ... So you are saying get detached whom you wanted to be... even you loved?

Beggar...

No... if you will feel detached to those at any point of time, then you didn't loved them anytime... What I meant is to accept and respect their decision... and believe me... they will realize and will regret at each second of their life... even if they show they are too "busy" making love to someone else... even they think they are "saint to handle that" because of all the excuses which made them to took that decision... may be they can justify themselves, but if you are right at your place, nothing can change this... and they will and live with the regret only... showing off to the world can't work with ownself... trust this...

By the time these talks were going on, the cigrett packet was over... he had to get up and buy a new packet... after all... this is what he wanted... to talk... to understand how it feels to be detached... how it has to happen... how to invoke it in his blood... he wanted to get over something which was killing him from inside... he almost ran to a nearby shop and purchased a cigarette packet...

So you are saying that being detached and being more involved are kind of same situation...? He asked...

By this time, the unlimited whisky he had before coming out of his room was making a huge noise in his head... picture of being with someone in the past took all his attention... but he was alive enough to listen to the beggar...

The beggar replied...

My son, being detached is more to do with someone else, being more involved is to do with yourself... If at any point of time, you are feeling detached, it means that thing or person was never a part of your's... it was not him/her running inside you... if you are feeling that way, then what is the logic at all to think about those...? It means you are hurting yourself for nothing... If the people who really matter for you, those would have not let you get in this situation...

Ohh com'on... sometimes situation may bound you to take some decision which you never want to take... which you want to avoid at any cost but in the end you have to take... he tried to justify "someone" to that beggar...

By the time begger started giving him reply on this, he was slept there on the bench... his eyes were closed, his legs were folded onto that small bench where only two people can sit... the beggar took his head on his lap, the beggar took his overcoat and put that on him so that he should not have caught up with the cold... the beggar was singing one of his favorite song... "buy me a rose... call me from work..." which made him to got into a deep sleep after a long time... after ages... the deep sleep without any nightmares...


Beggar's reply...


When he woke up from the bench, there were two notes from the beggar, written on a dirty paper with the ashes of winded up cigarettes... one was a quote... one was a poem...

"To be alone in the only real revolution. To accept that you are alone is the greatest transformation that can happen to you. I realized sometimes later in my life that I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest, to make money they don't want, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they dislike and to get married to someone by calling it as a "situation" which I never wanted... but I had to enjoy it because of my own quotations and excuses I created for myself... and when I realized all this... I quit!!!"

"My own way…
No where to move
No road so smooth
But I know my destination
And I have to move on
No matter what
Life brings about
It’s my crust that keeps me alive
All alone but no fear
May be somewhere I find you around
Its getting dark
And im still on my way
Shameless creatures
That’s all I can see now..."

He woke up from the bench with a heavy headache... tried to figured out some disprine in his pocket which he didn't got... but the words he got from the rich beggar were more then heavy from his headache... He carried away that with himself... something he mummer within himself for someone... "Its a shame idea to live life for someone else you damn... because in the end... what matters is... what life you wanted to life and how you wanted to live... and now see yourself what you got because of your's "unwanted", so called situations... Nothing you are going to take with yourself... its just you and your regrets... look at you!!! But still... I am not angry... because you are a part of me... enjoy... the more and the most you can... make love... make noises... as the beggar said... feel detached... its your destiny... it's someone's alibi... that's what I am doing for you..."


The beggar reminds him... "some spaces are as important as fillings... some detachments are more important than the attachments... its a part of you... you can't live without it... you can't get rid of it... its you, yourself... in the end... standing alone... get nothing... like a beggar, but not rich..."

He again started looking for the cigarette shop... nothing was opened by that time... he has to wait...

God Bless...

Broken In All the Right Places

Why people pretend to like all the way how you are and then don't like you at all? I mean why not at the first place they say it loud and clear that I don't like you at all boss? By heart I know the people who don't want to see my face... they don't like it... my face, my looks... its horrible for them, to see, to digest what I am...

Yesterday I heard something about myself while crossing the corridor... "This guy got a lot of attitude problems"... Who told those people to come and talk to me...? And why the hell someone wrote that fancy quote "Attitude is everything...". I mean just a break please, at first place you have to talk to me, at second point, you don't wanna see my face... Where is that pill to become a hollow-man? "I don't care will not work boss...", then what will work with you man? If you gotta problem, you need to solve it, not me... I am not commenting and judging someone... then why this favor of judgement has to be passed upon me? I am like this because you are looking at me like that... simple.

There are people who are not saying anything about me, even they know me or they don't know me... its fair... pretty clear... The people whom I should care and talk about are gone... I give a damn to others... Why then others are not giving damn to me? Why only talks and that also not in front?

Why so angry, you young man... he asked...
I replied, its not me, its the other side of me...
Why this other side of yours, it is you for certain... he again tried to confuse me...
I had take a roll...because situations made me to that sir... I again replied...

Oh... again, that bloody shit you are talking.. every second person talk about the tragedies they had or are going through...
So I am not everyone sir... I got my own problems... why you are and who you are to talk to me about all this...?

Hey... look into my eyes... he said...
I didn't looked up...
Okay, you can't look at me, you don't want to see me the same way people don't want to see you?
Man... leave me alone... I care a shit about people...
That's what I am telling you to do... why you are bothered if you don't care about people?
I don't know... I have to... I don't know why it is.. but that's the way how it is...

Door bangs...

Hello sir... I am security person... your neighbor who is a guest just in your adjacent room called the reception...
They complaint about the loud voices, the TV noise... they are not able to sleep...
I request you to please talk a little slow... its 2:30 AM... people are sleeping sir...
Hey, I am paying here... I am not here because I beg and got some place to live... I replied...
I understand sir... but the same way other people are also like you... they took the service of the hotel not for free...

Can I talk to the other person who is with you in the room? I think you are not well sir...
Other person? Who other person? I am alone in this room...
You are alone? Then from where those loud voices are coming...? Sir, please call the other person...
Are you mad? I live here... I know who is inside with me and there is no-one... Mr. security guard...
Okay sir... I understand... all I want you to do is please have some patience... get some rest...
Okay.. I will try...And hey, security... listen.. I am sorry for my rudeness...
No problem sir... I understand... I just want to say that I am doing my job sir... hope you will be fine... goodnight...
I am fine... what do you mean hope I will be fine...?
Goodnight sir...
Okay... Goodnight

What the mess...

So you came back haan... got enough from the security guard?
Hey man.. just go... leave me alone... and were we really talking so loud?
You talk loud when you know you can't do anything... you try to realse something which you can't hold... you not even can't look at me...
You are scary... my face... I can't look at you...
So that's all the other people are saying... you are saying on my face... people are saying this at your back... how does it matter...? The same way the guard told you... he is doing his job... all the same... people are doing their own job... you are doing your own job... everyone is assigned... why you should care...?

Yes, I looked at the mirror... you are right... I/we/nobody should not care... that's the way it was designed actually... we manipulated it... we made it the other way...

Standing on the other side of the wall...
I see your face and that was all...

Blue moon, you saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own
Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer for someone
I really could care for

Goodbye... I said...

God Bless...

Noticing phenomena to make yourself happy

Ever wondered about the people who are taking care of you? I just got surprised when I looked around me...No noticing the things was working for me until the time I woke up...Noticing the things, knowing the connections started bothering me...

But its was the initial phase...I am living it now and then... and enjoying it... smiling without any fear...Without any fear if someone is making a laugh on me...Without a fear of being a topic of someones gossip...

Noticing the things, linking yourself to that... and smiling on it... this is simple and good...I wonder why the ferry man bothers about me...He is a south African ethnic person... probably in his 50's...
Everyday before I enter into the ferry, he tells me to watch my steps...because there is always a gap between the ferry base and the stand from where we on board...
I always smile at him and say thanks...I will ask him someday... apart from his salary, what he get to say this.... I know he do this for other people also, but everyone is everyone and no one is everyone... ;)...

I wonder everyday why one security boy say thanks to me when I show him my access... why he smile and say thanks...He could have let me go like he is doing for some other person..But he always smiles and say thanks to me... Yes, it may be a part of his training, but eventually he is doing without any miss... I bound to reply with a welcome and a smile...

I want to understand why a lady cleaner of age around 60 years always look at me at sharp 5:30 PM and smile..Why she is always bothered when I will leave from the office...She can do and she always do her cleaning work when I am there... why she is bothered about when I will push off...

I wonder why the ferry assistant (he is different from the one I talked about earlier) don't tell me the destination when I on board into the ferry way back to home... I noticed that he tell everyone where the way back ferry is going...

One another security person... I find him always bothered about how I am doing...Even the "How I am doing" is far away from his sixth sense and seventh sky.. he ask whenever he see me...

The ferry ticket distributor... how I can forget her in all this conversation...? An old lady... (not too much... and she is pretty also... I could have met her 20-25 years back... :)) she know what is my destination and what ticket I have to buy...Regardless of knowing this... she always ask me what ticket she has to give me... and when I tell her the destination, she always reply... "I know..."

Another coffee shop family...Mom, boy and girl, anyone of them takes the order OR makes the coffee, but everyone knows that I place what order... (The cheapest one...)... I mean many people go for the cheap coffee... even who are making good money... but the point is the cheap one is the best one...The complete family know what I want to order... and what I will...

The simplest thing is, how you take all these things... Some people takes all this and notice all around the day... You will not get it if u don't want to... But you can find yourself surrounded by these small things anytime and everywhere when you think of it...It exist everywhere... with everyone...That's how it is...

Try to change the things a bit acordingly... figure out something and something in everything...

Good catch... good news... Happy noticing you (I mean I) a fool man...

God Bless...

this is it...

I know u r buzy ppl... I know u don't hv time to send emails (except KS)...

However, u cn update me abt wotz gng on friends...

I am missing u a lot here... coz smtimes I run short of money n thr is no japani to gv me sm cash... ;)

smtimes I remeber KS for his jokes (worth it!!! U don't get anything out of his jokes, but y 2 break his heart...)

Sometimes I remember Nandy for his golis he had given to us jus bcoz of gaonwali n 1 grl frm his Jaipur country...

Sometimes I miss Raju terribely for his terrible humor, atleast he make us laugh (but trust me, he is pathetic... he can make your life hell if you let him do... hehehe)...

Sometimes I miss nightriders (and the all bad servents there...) for our hapiness...

Sometimes I miss the place we worked all together... for all my good time... (I mean it!!! we never know where we are spending our precious moments and a part of our life untill we loose it...

I had a very good time with all of you friends...and hope to take it forward... except the people who don't mind this (and I know them... :)... I know whom to call friends... :))

Raka... miss u for all the fights we had...missing your home buddy... missing ur kid... and d moments I spend with him... :)(I can't say I am missing your wife.. I know what will come out of you... ;))...

Everything is worth missing it...You guys are lovely... (except Nandy... he is bigger than that in size... ;))N I just want to say... Enjoy... till it last (this is the line of control)...

FU** the rules, give a shit ...Don't try to b anyone's favourite... b ur favourate like 'jab v met...' ahhh I don't like bebo's lil sis, bt wot 2 do... Don't try to b close to sm1 bcoz u need to b visible somewhere... (Jeetu/Nandy... how are u doing?)

N 1 second-last thing... to you all...We are going on a trip in April... for sure... (except the nepali's immigrants who have turned Singaporia's...)We rock... make no grudes in between us... jus b'coz of Gulabo, Gaonwali(I hope Jeetu is paying attention!!!), the girl like mamboo tree (I hope Nandy is paying attention!!!)... but wotever happens... eithee we are going for a trip in April or I will go alone withe pasting all your foto's in my car...

n 1 last thing... From Breavheart... one of my fav movie...

Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it...

Do watch these videos when you have time... second one is my fav tune...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5O0B3A5CCc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDEQjGIleKg

Dual

Is this something which I am only thinking or is this real? Need a reassurance and confirmation here... from me... myself...

I always thought of keeping life straight, simple and fake. Straight in terms of relationships, goals and what I want to achieve, Simple in terms of thought process and keeping all relative things plane, Fake in terms of what all is coming and going in my mind and what I am planning to write down here. Yes, I am no more afraid of this fake which is deep inside me since my birth, I was never actually affraid of accepting this fake side of mine, but there was no time to publish this so broadly. I am using this word fake because I am not comfortable much with 'dual' or 'manipulative’ and because that I am not. Fake is very soothing and suitable for me. Fake is making people disappointed, but disappointment is nothing more than a psychological term. If you can make yourself convinced with something, it hardly matters what other people think of that.

So I was on being fake. Fake in the sense to fulfil myself, my dreams, my things, which always roam around in my mind and nobody have an idea, even my best pal, of that. Fake because I want to roam around, fake because I want to live this present, fake because I have nothing to do with a certain thought process which being injected in our mind since childhood. Fake because I wanted to live like a quote "I am an endless dream... I didn't asked to take a birth, I will not ask for a death... I am and will remain an endless dream for myself, for all...".

What I all mean to say is... being fake is nothing to do with a guilt, a regret, a suppression at all. You wanted to be like that at some point of time, you did that, you enjoyed that, so that is fine. You should regret to something which you wanted and didn't happened at all, rather than what happend which you wished to have happened. Anyways, so being fake for something, but at the same point of time, being yourself and honest to yourself, is not wrong at all. Atleast you should not parameterize yoursef being right or wrong. You should think, if you are being yourself or not, and not if you are right or wrong. You may have your own reasons of being right and wrong on which you can provide reasons to yourself, so that hardly matters. For someone like me, you always have a choice, and you always make a right choice, and you always have reasons for yourself to be at a right position. So, no need to worry about that.

Back to being fake, back to being lie to the rest of the people who matters, like your family etc..., its on one part of yours, second part is what you are. So its the density of what matters is, you or your second part, you or what you have been made or designed? I am out now... something to think upon...

Once again... being fake, being a lier, having a dual life is not important at all, atleast not a matter of guilt, regret... What matters is... how honest you are with yourself... So many lines to write, so many thoughts to share... but I always find myself run out of my mind, out of time...

God Bless... :)