Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Friday, January 3, 2014

A good life and a good death

Several times this debate has happened, if I have a right to live, why I don't have a right to die. Different religions, creeds, countries and people have their own views and laws for a good life and a good death too. Now, for me, nothing is right and nothing is wrong, as far as a personal conscious allows. I got the encouragement and patience to write on this topic because of one recent death, Robert W. Wilson, 87 years old wall street tycoon, who ended his life by jumping from 16th floor from the building he was residing. To be honest, I didn't know him before this news. Even, I am not sure if anyone from you who read this posting or people in my group, are concerned about wall street and business/money tycoons. However, when I came through this news that he ended his life from his San Remo apartment building, one prestigious and reputed address in New York’s Upper East Side (although, address has nothing to do with anyone's death), the line for me was what he said "I don't want to suffer", in which he tried to explain his thoughts and feelings towards life and about the suffering.

To cover a bit of story, he suffered from a stroke in June 2013, and some news confirms that he had another stroke recently in December 2013 too. Now personally for me, it was his choice as it was his life and he had a right on it, it may be not a right thing by law. But this bigger question is not if he did the right thing or wrong, it's what the message we got from him. What he might be thinking, feeling before committing this act?
Sometimes I have to visit hospitals, a few in my city. I see patients, and not being a doctor, I feel utter pain. I am not saying that doctors don't feel pain, they do, they are humans, however, they see this everyday and are more habitual than us with the patients and diseases. They do operations, treat people, we don't. They know in and out of a body, we don't. So, when I see patients with chronic diseases, like renal failure, liver failure, people with never ending and painful clinical procedures, I hear the voices. I hear from their own senses that they want to end this. They lived and now they are liability, on their families, on themselves. Its obvious for them to say that! One who feels the pain, knows the pain. We can only try to explain.



 
My first line before I go ahead: "I am not against Science and technology".
The more we are growing in the field of science and technology, more we are moving towards suffering and pain, isn't it? Yes, we have found the cure for many things, but isn't it the more diseases we have created/invented? Isn't it the world is becoming to be a more suffering palace? We had a body which was gifted and earlier, we were returning it back more or less in the same state. No doubt we save a lot of people now a days, no doubt we have been successful to place one person's organ into another one's, however, isn't it obvious that we gained the quantity of life, but at the cost of quality?

I am sure few people will agree to the fact that both cure and diseases are by-product of science only. I was going through a recent study where pregnant women are being advised to avoid plastics used in cling wrap, shampoo and computer cables, after a link has been found between premature birth and chemicals known as phthalates. Now plastic is a product of science and the study of prevention from premature birth is also a product from science. Its a relative theory based on create virus first for the use of antivirus. Yes, we made our life easy by using the products from technology, but at what cost? Isn't it easy life is at the cost of quality of life? There are many research and studies filled with how we are becoming our own enemy, by inventing and using the new chemicals, and then finding cure for the diseases which comes in existence by those chemicals.

 Back to the topic, a rightful death, after a rightful life. Robert W. Wilson made his choice, not to suffer, not to become dependent on any person or machine. Though he had good $100 million left in the end, after he donated $700 million, he decided to act like this (he left a note to donate $100 million too after his death, according to news). I can assume he had enough amount of money with him to be on support, support by men and machines. Now, including me, no-one can comment on whether he did right or wrong, esp. when we exclude the laws and religion and keep those things out of scope!
So where we are heading? This might be not something new, a suicide or an attempt of suicide, but the message he delivered is different and new... "I don't want to suffer". Which implies, that if law and religion will not allow a good death, someone will (a thought or a feeling probably). Yes, I can speak from the side of people who talk about the sanctity of life and a suicide or euthanasia is illegal, for the reason I am not to decode or decide what is right and what is wrong. As I said, most of us are confused between right and wrong and if we have to do something, we convince ourselves for the same and on that moment, we act.

The big question left is, does the suffering end by ending our life? Is that the end or a relief? What if not? What if the suffering adds on by committing it? But yes, for the moment, it may be... end of suffering.
RIP Robert W. Wilson, wherever you are.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

And the life continues....

Mom: So... what's going on? What is in your mind?

Son: Nothing mom... What it is about?

Mom: Don't try to fool us... You know it is about your marriage...

Son: Oh, com'on mom... You have given birth to me... you know I don't want that...

Mom: But why...? And don't give me any of your most like reasons... "I can't do..."... "I don't know..." Its enough... enough of sufferings for all of us... either do it or leave us...

Son: How I can leave you...? How you can think like that...?

Mom: So do it... what is stopping you...? Give the reasons...

Son: Mom, The only reason I can give you is that I can't do it... You know me.. I just can't do... It will be a sin for me... with my soul

Mom: Sin...? What the hell is this now..? Have you done something wrong...?

Son: No mom.. I can't do anything wrong with anyone... that is how I am...

Mom: So tell me what it is all about... and be honest...

Son: Mom, it is right that as of now, I don't have anyone to look forward... there is no-one waiting for me... there is nothing I have done wrong with anyone... I just can't do it... I can't accept and think of any person if it comes to spend rest of my life with...

Mom: (Screamed) I have enough of this nonsense and movie dialogues... I need to know the reason... or if there is someone, tell me and I will try to do something about it...

Son: Mom... I swear on you... I am just all alone... I just can't be with anyone else... I am useless for anyone...

Mom: Stop all this nonsense and try to be sensible... Give me a reason why you can't do it, or if you have someone, why you are not able to tell me...

Son: Is everything you can say and explain in life? Can you explain God, air...? Can you explain everything in your life...?

Mom: Don't try to play with me... Tell me the truth...

Son: I never being this much honest in my life... I want to say... that I can't be with anyone else, and I can't tell you more than this, because I have nothing...

Mom: So what you are trying to do...? Kill all of us...? I know you are a cheater since your birth... you are the most dishonest person... to me, to your dad, to everyone... you are a born lier...

Son: Stop all this... why are you saying all this to me? I never do that mom... I never cheat anyone... Why I have to do this with you? I have no reason...

Mom: No, you have your reasons... you are too selfish and self centered to think about anyone else...

Son: So is it wrong to think about myself?

Mom: I don't want any argument with you, I know you will win anyways... I want the fact...

Son: Mom... the fact is... I can't cheat myself... I can't be a machine so that I can choose anyone in my life out of your choices and I spend my whole life like that... Trust me... I am being myself... I want to be honest and don't want to lie you... I just don't want any partner in this journey...

Mom: Okay... So we both, me and your dad, will be leaving tomorrow, or better today... and you will be free to do whatever you want to do...

Son: This is pathetic... why you have to do so? I should be the one who will be saying this to you... as you think I am wrong, I should be leaving the house...

Dad: Yes... you pathetic piece of shit... you should be leaving the house... why we should pay for your doings and your will. But in the end, whatever you will be doing, we will be the sufferrer... as the people, the society will say that he was their son... you have no identity, nobody who know you... we are your identity in this society... So, we will be the ultimate sufferer... do whatever you want to do... but then don't come to our graves... don't even show your face to us...

Mom: You please calm down.. let me talk to him...

Son: Why it is becoming a life deal for both of you if I don't want to do this...? What right you are giving to me about my life...? The decision should be mine... why you are making me so helpless and in this dilemma? Why you are threatening me like this rather then getting me, my point?

Dad: Because you have no point at all... your life is useless, you are a cheater, dishonest and untrustable person... You have no direction in your life... You are telling us to believe your belief... the belief for which you even can't provide a reason...

Son: I have no reason, that is right dad... but I have a belief in something which has a reason... and its not unreasonable... I know that... You are not believing me at this point... but I know, sometime, when you will be alone, when you will be talking to yourself... all of my these illogical reasons will turn logical to you... when you will be thinking about me as a person... a person who believed in something and how you broke his faith due to your unnecessary pressures... how due to your own selfishness and fear of your fake pride in the society, you made your own son to suffer like this... What all I am asking? I am asking to be alone... its not a deal for your life and death...

Dad: Enough of your lectures... Tell me what do you want...

Son: If you can't be a dad, atleast be a human... still you are asking what I want...?

Dad: (to mom) ... See... this is we have to get when we give the quality education to our children... This is the return... It was your plan to let him free and enjoy his life... and now, see what we have to get through...

Mom: Son... what is the issue...? Why you just can't listen to us now a days...?

Son: Mom... you gave me birth.. I know your innersole is telling you that you should set me free out of all this... atleast you understand me...

Mom: I understand you... but I can't stand against your dad...

Dad: (to mom) Ohh... so now you also turned like him... "You understand him...". What are you understandings...? Let me also get it...

Mom: That I don't know... I only know that I have to be with you... either way...

Son: I know mom... I know you too have been wrap up in these fake relationships and unknown boundaries... Actually I don't blame any one of you... Its my curse to be here...

Dad: You listening..? (to mom)... How big he has turned...? Why don't you leave all of us and turn to a saint giving lectures how parents should be like? You are at that stage of your life where you think you are only the right person... and we all are fools.. who gave you birth, who made you educated... who made you what you are today now...

Son: Yes dad, this is my only curse... to be like that... to be honest and not to have guts to leave you people... because I have to take care of you, like you did for me...

Dad: Ohh... please.. no need to do that sir... let us leave at our own... let the destiny decide something for us.. don't try to be our caretaker.. we can do that...

Son: Now I can say that you don't understand anything at all what I am talking about...

Dad: You coward.. you don't have guts to leave... that is the fact...

Son: Yes... that is the fact dad.. I don't have guts to do that... I am a coward.... you are right... and you know what? I am like this because I care about you... and the only thing which is missing is... just understand me... listen to me...

Dad: I am leaving home right away... I can't be in this house anymore...

Son: Why you have to leave dad? It should be me... As per you... I am a shameless creature, dishonest and a lier... so what right I have to be in this house? I don't want you people to suffer because of me... I just can't do that...But the irony is... you will anyway suffer even if I will leave you... I know that... You are ready to suffer, but not to understand me... You are ready to giveup on me, rather to listen to me...

Dad: (Screamed) Yes!!! I am ready to suffer.. I will think that I had no son... Or he is dead!!!

Son: That is your problem... you are ready to accept that I am dead, rather then accept me as a living being... for your own reasons...

Dad: Enough... just go out of my sight...

Son: One day will come dad, when you will be questioning yourself... "What was the need to do all that... with my own son?" And I know you will have no answer for that... I will do whatever you want me to do...

Dad: I want nothing from you... I know you will not be happy..

Son: That is a relation... you know I will not be happy.. but you have to force me to do so...

Dad: You lier... I don't want to force you to do anything... I want you to either be happy with us, with all the decisions we are making for you, or just leave us...

Son: I can only guarantee one thing... I can't leave you like this... about hapiness, I can't commit to be happy with whatsoever decisions you will be making for me... you are not responsible for my sufferings or my happiness... Its very much my own decisions to be happy or not to be...

Dad: See... we can't win over him.. get out... or I will leave...

Son: Fine dad... you need not to leave... I am leaving.. I tried my best... if possible, please forgive me for all the pain I have given to you...

Mom: Son... there is no reason for me to see all this... (fainted)

Son: Mom.. wake up... please.. for God sake...

Dad: You idiot... leave her... this is all because of you...

Son: See dad... can you see that...? I think you got your reasons why I just can't leave... You are right... I am a coward... I have no guts to do that... you are my dad... you got it right...

Silence... till mom got conscious... and the life continued...


God Bless!!! If there some waiting... :)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Dual

Is this something which I am only thinking or is this real? Need a reassurance and confirmation here... from me... myself...

I always thought of keeping life straight, simple and fake. Straight in terms of relationships, goals and what I want to achieve, Simple in terms of thought process and keeping all relative things plane, Fake in terms of what all is coming and going in my mind and what I am planning to write down here. Yes, I am no more afraid of this fake which is deep inside me since my birth, I was never actually affraid of accepting this fake side of mine, but there was no time to publish this so broadly. I am using this word fake because I am not comfortable much with 'dual' or 'manipulative’ and because that I am not. Fake is very soothing and suitable for me. Fake is making people disappointed, but disappointment is nothing more than a psychological term. If you can make yourself convinced with something, it hardly matters what other people think of that.

So I was on being fake. Fake in the sense to fulfil myself, my dreams, my things, which always roam around in my mind and nobody have an idea, even my best pal, of that. Fake because I want to roam around, fake because I want to live this present, fake because I have nothing to do with a certain thought process which being injected in our mind since childhood. Fake because I wanted to live like a quote "I am an endless dream... I didn't asked to take a birth, I will not ask for a death... I am and will remain an endless dream for myself, for all...".

What I all mean to say is... being fake is nothing to do with a guilt, a regret, a suppression at all. You wanted to be like that at some point of time, you did that, you enjoyed that, so that is fine. You should regret to something which you wanted and didn't happened at all, rather than what happend which you wished to have happened. Anyways, so being fake for something, but at the same point of time, being yourself and honest to yourself, is not wrong at all. Atleast you should not parameterize yoursef being right or wrong. You should think, if you are being yourself or not, and not if you are right or wrong. You may have your own reasons of being right and wrong on which you can provide reasons to yourself, so that hardly matters. For someone like me, you always have a choice, and you always make a right choice, and you always have reasons for yourself to be at a right position. So, no need to worry about that.

Back to being fake, back to being lie to the rest of the people who matters, like your family etc..., its on one part of yours, second part is what you are. So its the density of what matters is, you or your second part, you or what you have been made or designed? I am out now... something to think upon...

Once again... being fake, being a lier, having a dual life is not important at all, atleast not a matter of guilt, regret... What matters is... how honest you are with yourself... So many lines to write, so many thoughts to share... but I always find myself run out of my mind, out of time...

God Bless... :)

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